Far Removed From Baggin’ That Work Up In The Clarion
Pardon my French, but fuck Jive Records. And I mean that in the most sincere manner possible. Seriously. Them crackers ain't playin' fair.
Fuck Jive, fuck Zomba, fuck their Apartheid roots and their German backers(a).
I guess I could get my Jimmy Olsen on and get to the bottom of things—you know, do investigative reporting—but, luckily we don't do that over here. It's too much work. So, inspired by the actions of Jay Guevara, I am calling for a something that requires significantly less activity: a boycott. Of Jive Records.
Mind you, the last time I actually paid for a Jive Records product was BDP's Sex & Violence album, so my protest is probably going to be as effective as a Cam'ron dis song.
Maybe I'll do a press conference. Which will amount to even less impact seeing as Barry Weiss probably couldn't care less about me. I'm pretty sure the other Weiss took me off the Christmas card list a long time ago, but that's a whole 'nother story(b).
At any rate, the greatest atrocity to befall hip-hop since someone gave Yung Joc a record deal is upon us and you future leaders of the so-called free world are ignoring it like it's Net Neutrality or Global Warming(c).
Does no one care that Hell Hath No Fury has once again been pushed back? I mean, really. The Clipse created the best album to be imported into my iTunes library last year and this is the thanks they get? I would blame Pharrell, but he can't even get his own album out. And every beat he's given the Brothers Thorton to date has been smoking hot shit, so—Barney-awful Kanye collaborations aside—he hasn't totally lost his mind.
But, still, a big WTF. Very big.
For a few weeks, it seemed as if Jive was doing the right thing. They let a few people preview the album, and every hipster that heard it swears it's a classic(d). Then, the label that went from bringing us Schoolly D to enabling R. Kelly to pushing what's left of Nick Lachey on the types of chicks that won't experiment with other chicks, even in college(e), did something right. They sent out—for promotional purposes only—The Best of We Got It 4 Cheap, which was better than it had any right to be, considering that it was basically extracted from two mixtapes and left the Clinton Sparks histrionics on the cutting room floor(f). Hell, Jive even put out a video for "Mr. Me Too" (that you can download here) and it looks like they actually spent some money on it.
But now, the Clipse have been kick pushed a la Lupe Fiasco. (Kelis, who really can't sing anyway, has also been pushed back in recent weeks.) To when? Who knows?
I don't know what I'm supposed to do for summer hip-hop. I mean, no one's still listening to the two albums that you children were trying to push off as classics earlier this year; Busta's good but missing something; and the year's best hip-hop record thus far has come from the UK(g).
Worst yet, the Patty Cake Man and Neighborhood Push may wind up fending off dudes like Game, Nas, Luda, 50(h) and a bunch of tax write-offs in the fourth quarter. Were the Clipse to come out on their last scheduled release date of August 1(i), the only real competition in their path would have been Rick Ross and a bunch of eight dollars-per-record millionaires from Koch Records. I think there's little question as to whom connoisseurs of fine cocaine rhyme would have gravitated towards.
Now, them VA boys are pretty much fucked, if you ask me.
A label that doesn't realize what they have and has even less knowledge of how to market it is thinking about putting Hell Hath No Fury on store shelves during the busiest time of the year?
Oh blow me.
I say boycott Jive until they drop the Clipse album. White people will still buy OutKast and, if you were smart (j), you were gonna boycott that (Cool and) Dre album anyway. So really, I'm just asking you not to pick up the new Too $hort record.
Do this and we shall overcome.
P.S.— Rush, rush, get the yayo and download The Best of We Got It 4 Cheap here. Fuck Zomba. Them crackers ain't playing fair(k).
(a) RM, IN, SV: Sorry?
(b) I don't believe in Christmas, anyway.
(c) I have very little hope for the future of humanity.
(d) Not that you could trust the opinion of a hipster, but still.
(e) Something I find totally unacceptable.
(f) Get familiar.
(g) You can lie to yourselves all you want.
(h) I really can't see dude sitting out the whole year, but I've been wrong before.
(i) I may be making this date up.
(j) Which you're probably not.
(k) Got me cussin' and everything.