Award Tour Pt. Uno

I’m often asked, “Hey YN since XXL is now the undisputed number one hip-hop magazine when are you guys gonna do an award show?” I always say the same thing. Never say never but it’s never gonna happen. Not on my watch. There’s already too too many bullshit award shows and the shit is hella expensive. I hate to put the cold rag to y’all faces but these statue giveaway results are mostly determined by which record and/or management company is gonna cough up the dough to get their artists to perform. You spit your 16 or hit your high note live, actually show up to the venue and you get the grand prize. It’s like a fuckin’ arcade game.

Besides the thought of being in a room full of hundreds of rappers and their bodyguard killas on the payroll makes me nauseous. So instead I’m gonna just hate on others who are bold enough and/or foolish enough to attempt put together an award show. Here’s my educated guesses for the winners of the upcoming BET brouhaha:

BEST MALE HIP HOP ARTIST
50 Cent
Busta Rhymes
Common
T.I.
Kanye West
And the winner is: Ellen Degeneris’ favorite MC. Like this guy needs another statue to justify his ego.

BEST FEMALE HIP HOP ARTIST
Missy Elliott
Lil’ Kim
Remy Ma
Shawnna
Trina
And the winner is: Yeah The Cookbook was hot garbage, but Missy never loses the hardware to anyone. You do the research to that.

BEST MALE R&B ARTIST
Chris Brown
Jamie Foxx
Anthony Hamilton
Ne-Yo
Prince
And the winner is: Think they’re gonna go Hollyhood on this one. Still Oscar trumps BET award. Sorry.

BEST FEMALE R&B ARTIST
Beyoncè
Mary J. Blige
Mariah Carey
Keyshia Cole
India.Arie
And the winner is: India.A… Sike! Damn some stiff comp here… Jay’s lady, comeback chick, young hood rat… I gotta roll with the Queen though.

BEST GOSPEL ARTIST
Yolanda Adams
Kirk Franklin
Mary Mary
Smokie Norful
CeCe Winans
And the winner is: Mary Mary, nah I’m buggin’. Yolanda Adams. She sings and the Negroes cry in the front rows.

BEST NEW ARTIST
Chris Brown
Chamillionaire
Ne-Yo
Rihanna
Paul Wall
And the winner is: Would love a Controversy Sells reunion, but my money’s on the little nigga with the crazy gangsta dance moves. CB4!

BEST DUET/COLLABORATION
Beyoncè feat. Slim Thug “Check on It”
Bow Wow feat. Ciara “Like You”
Busta Rhymes feat. Mary J. Blige, Rah Digga, Missy Elliott, Lloyd
Banks, Papoose & DMX “Touch It (Remix)”
Jamie Foxx feat. Ludacris “Unpredictable”
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx “Gold Digger”
And the winner is: A reunited young couple who were once crazy in love tryin’ not to look akward around each other. Ah, I adore mi amour.

BEST GROUP
Black Eyed Peas
Destiny’s Child
Floetry
Mary Mary
Three 6 Mafia
And the winner is: Jesus Jesus you are the man, please don’t give it to Will.i.am. Didn’t DC throw in the towel already? Shit, everybody gotta have a dream. Mine is Triple Six recreating that magic Oscar moment.

BEST ACTOR
Chris Bridges (Ludacris)
Don Cheadle
Jamie Foxx
Terrance Howard
Denzel Washington
And the winner is: Just give it to the Ludameister, goddamnit! He always gets shitted on at awards shows. And he’s the only rap actor we got here.

BEST ACTRESS
Tichina Arnold
Taraji P. Henson
Thandie Newton
Queen Latifah
Alfre Woodard
And the winner is: I can’t tell these 3T Black chicks from one another but I want shorty who sings the hook on the Hustle and Flow song to win. It’s hard out here, soul sista.

BEST MALE ATHLETE
Kobe Bryant
LeBron James
Shaquille O’Neal
Tiger Woods
Vince Young
And the winner is: KB81 deserves it but LeBron is more hip-hop. He’s the only muthafucka here who’s been on the cover of XXL. Yeah he was just Prez Carter’s weed carrier (Registered geekmark™!) but that’s besides the point.

BEST FEMALE ATHLETE
Laila Ali
Chamique Holdsclaw
Lisa Leslie
Sheryl Swoopes
Venus Williams
And the winner is: The Compton chick fell off so I’ma go with the lesbo. Pro homo.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR
Beyoncè feat. Slim Thug “Check on It”
Mary J. Blige “Be Without You”
Busta Rhymes feat. Mary J. Blige, Rah Digga, Missy Elliott, Lloyd
Banks, Papoose & DMX “Touch It (Remix)”
Missy Elliott feat. Ciara “Lose Control”
R. Kelly “Trapped In the Closet”
Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx “Gold Digger”
And the winner is: Still undecided between an emotional Bussa-Bus acceptance speech and rewarding the demented genius of Cam’ron and Star’s favorite pedophile.

VIEWERS’ CHOICE
Chris Brown “Yo (Excuse Me Miss)”
Busta Rhymes “Touch It”
Mariah Carey “Don’t Forget About Us”
Keyshia Cole “Love”
Ne-Yo “So Sick”
T.I. “What You Know”
And the winner is: Since the teenyboppers control this: I’m thinkin’ Ne-Yo and Keyshia Cole split. Incidentally, that’s the cover of the new Hip-Hop Soul that I executive produced. Blatant plug herewith: ON NEWSSTANDS NOW.

BET J COOL LIKE THAT
Eric Benét
Anthony Hamilton
Heather Headley
Kindred the Family Soul
Corinne Bailey Rae
And the winner is: Whitney Houston (Had to throw the Chubb Rock joke in here somewhere.) Honestly, I don’t even know what this category means. I’m gonna take a bathroom break on that one. One.

Wait there’s more: Next time I swear on my unborn child YN will weigh in with his predictions for the prestigious First Annual Weed Carrier Awards. It’s only right since the Older God is now officially a card-carrying member of blog paradise. I shitted on your hood, kids. I shitted on your hood.

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    shitted on your hood, rofl.

    the bet and source shows are so bad, they look like the mtv ones looked back in the late 80s.

    i can’t even watch award shows anymore.

  • http://www.unkut.com Robbie

    Those print editorials/rants provided the ideal training ground for your entry into the “blog world” (whatever that hell that is), so I’m not suprised you’re enjoying yourself up in here.

  • Belize

    Is bol and elliot the same??

  • alleyeCNtower

    well… one thing about the BET Awards: they get Black celebrities that kill ALL the other shows. The white shows upped the ante officially when BET brought back the Fugees last year, now they all try to have a “historic moment” when its mostly predictable politics in play.

    yeah, Kanye’s podium speeches can’t possibly have any magic left, dude has already said everything we could ever want to hear already…

    true, Luda gets straight shit on for awards… not enough substance, that’s why. But he’s finally learning how to be less cartoonish, which should bring him more success.

    BET is rising just as much as its falling. What a spectacle.