Women don’t like music nerds

I hate to agree with Bol’s take on women and music blogs—since chances are he doesn’t even agree with it himself, and is just throwing it out there to get a rise from the ‘fruit flies.’ (Incidentally, that term might just be the funniest thing written on this site so far.)

But anyway, as it happens, Bol makes an excellent point. It is true that the music blog phenomenon—and a certain level of dialogue on music in general—is pretty much a male thing. I’m not saying females can’t love music in the same detail-oriented, collector, trivia-obsessed sort of way that most male hip-hop heads do. I’m just saying that, by and large, they don’t.

In the comments section, ONE laments this. “I’m so tired of meeting females that just listen to the radio,” he writes. “Where are the real female heads at? I know they’re out there someplace but y’all must be scarce.”

I feel your pain, ONE. And I hate to tell you this—but you all do it to yourselves. Female heads are about as welcome in hip-hop culture as a sober Jehovah’s Witness is at a crunk Christmas party.

On the off chance that some of you actually want to understand why, here’s the top 5 reasons that female hip-hop heads are a rare breed. (Alternately, this list can be read as tips on how to step your game up. Cause, really, it must be hard to ever hook up with hip-hop being the perpetual sausage fest that it is. Yes hetero. Or not, whatever.)

1. Music knowledge is often passed through word-of-mouth networks that females aren’t part of. As it stands, most girls I know do not sit around and chop it up about the latest Busta cover story, or trade theories about the beef between Cam and Jay, or debate the fact that the South is running things right now, or keep each other up to date on the hottest mixtapes. It just doesn’t happen. (At least not in my town. But shout out to the female heads around the globe that I email with! These women could kick your ass in a knowledge battle any day of the week.)

But anyway, for the most part, girls that are really into hip-hop tend to be isolated, and end up having to seek out dudes to converse with. You all know what happens next. If you are kicking it with a dude, he probably has other things on his mind than having a friendly chat about hip-hop. (Word to When Harry Met Sally.)

When it comes to groups of guys, they typically don’t have any desire whatsoever to have a female present for their hip-hop powwows. I grew up with a brother and our apartment was always full of dudes talking about hip-hop, but most female hip-hop heads don’t have access to that type of environment. A while back I was talking to one of my bro’s friends about this exact dynamic—and he was like, “Come on, T. No group of guys is ever sitting around, like ‘You know what we need? We really need a female friend in our crew to give us another perspective on hip-hop.’” My point exactly.

This, of course, is a circular problem. If women don’t participate in the living room ciphers, they don’t have a testing ground for their knowledge and ideas, and then they come off as ignorant when they try and talk about hip-hop—and dudes are quick to say that all they want to do is shake their asses to radio rap. And then the females get mad and don’t bother messing with it at all. And then you men are stuck hanging around at shows where the audience is 90% other dudes.

2. Internet forums often get hijacked by adolescent male nonsense. The internet should be opening the hip-hop floodgates to females, giving them the chance to get involved in the conversation and soak up information and hone ideas. But more often than not, the level of conversation on the net is driven by the lowest common denominator. Lots of caps, angry outbursts, and name-calling. And all that bickering can be boring as hell.

3. Females get tired of being trash-talked pretty fast. J-Live said it best a couple years back when I interviewed him. “If you think about it, hip-hop scared the women out of the shows,” he said. “For the longest time, if you were an underground artist, and you were doing whatever venues across the country and across the world, cats would be like: ‘Where are the women? How come the women aren’t coming to the shows?’ The only women that would be at the shows would be somebody’s girl, and they came with their man. And you would be like: ‘OK, what’s the matter?’ Perhaps they just got tired of hearing all this. Maybe the switch over to R&B has been about, ‘Look, I am not going to sit here and listen to you call me a bitch all day, I am going to listen to someone that wants to love me.’ So, really it’s about the game. And I kind of tried to put the game back into it. So, ‘Like This Anna’ is really saying ‘Come on back to the show. We are here for you’.”

4. The promiscuity parade pisses females off. If you keep bragging about how much miscellaneous ass you are getting, hip-hop, we might just believe you. And then we’re going to bounce.

5. Most females don’t go in for the Super Nerd shit. Personally, I have a soft spot for internet nerds, so no diss. But I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that most women don’t share that quirk. So all you internet dudes might want to tone down the geek routine. Start by deading the whole “first” thing. Racing each other in the comments section has got to be geekiest thing I’ve ever heard of. If you want girls to hang around for longer than five minutes, cease and desist.

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  • da bossman

    First! I always wanted to do that.

  • http://www.myspace.com/geoffdilkes G Off

    Guys are much more competitive by nature as well, and hip-hop breeds competition (battles, dis tracks, who sold more, who is more real, etc.).

    It’s the same reason why there aren’t as many girls that are way into sports like guys are a lot of the time.

    Let’s be honest here. We are dorks!

  • gerv

    Most women don’t even know if a man is a so-called music nerd because it’s like sports most dudes ain’t hollerin at no female about rap.

  • iw11


  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    T you hit the nail right on the head. I was skeptical as to what you’d bring up, but that was real talk. Esp. that J-Live snippet. My wife fell in love with him over “Like This Anna”…her name is Anna, but hell, that joint helped me get my next date!

    And you are right, the few true female hip-hop heads I converse with know their ish.

  • Lefty 2Gunz

    Speaking from experience…dimes usually come in after the conversation is started and as far as my peeps and I, nobody wants to go back and explain the whole damn thing over.

    If you come into the conversation and already have some knowledge of what’s being said it’s different.

    Dudes usually already know or understand the back story behind the what’s being said and are dealing with the present results of said information.

    When a dime comes into it like “who, what, when and where”, it just throws the whole flow of the conversation off.

    I don’t think it’s that dudes mind a dime in the conversation it’s just most times they don’t know the whole issue and it’s a pain to relay the whole back story to it all.

    You gotta remember too a lot cats take the whole “this rap is better” or “this coast is better”, beef or whatever and end up in some pretty heated conversations.

    This in my opinion is cause a lot of times cats side with certain artist because they feel that artist swagger represents what they stand for or something similar to who they are.

    That’s when dudes start taking sh!t personal cause they feel if another nicca doesn’t agree then he’s attacking his persoanl character.

    The ladys don’t get that into it so to them it’s just the next industry gossip , while some cats be really riding for these artist they don’t even know. lol

    It’s just that simple


    • Anonymous

      word man this exactly, its all about the flow of conversation, if she can keep up then by all means join in. big point on guys bigging up their favorite rapper. we’ll pull fuckin quotes, anecdotes and statistics to prove our point. a girl just can’t follow along, but most importantly, its becuz she doesnt hold hip hip to the same importance that we do.

  • LMAO

    So once again, males are to blame for the problems of the world. Well I suppose the finger has to be pointed somethere.

  • http://www.ohword.com rafi

    You being unable to find a shorty well-versed with the Wild Pitch catalog is hardly one of the problems of the world.

  • http://biochemicalslang.blogspot.com Vik

    Damn. I’ll try to break the mold.

  • corey

    im in love with you

  • http://djxplcit.blogspot.com http://djxplcit.blogspot.com

    “Start by deading the whole “first” thing.”

    thats what ive been saying. but of course, if you look at bol’s shit, girls participate in that in the same percentage as dudes.

    so really, its not about “creating an inviting envrionment for women by not being nerds”, its more about just “not being retarded”

  • 50 Cent

    Wow, you’re definitly the worst columnist on this site. My suggestion step your fucking game up.

  • http://www.myspace.com/lone_Nigerian lone Nigerian

    you hit the nail on the head tara

  • Pingback: » Could It Be That It Was All So Simple Then? - XXL

  • Nick Chainy

    One thing i’ve noticed about the female heads is that they aren’t very easy to get along with…i dont know what it is but they go into conversations expecting to not be heard, be disrespected, or be insulted and overlooked in some sort of manner….so when they finally get the chance to engage in a cool conversation they nitpick and try to find the first hint of a testosterone-charged comment and piggy back on that, thus taking the conversation to some other shit which allows them to bitch and complain about how “the ladies get no respect”…mission accomplished…but you seem cool Tara Henley…unlike some the female heads i know.

  • Intrepid21

    Watup Y’all, First off I gotta say big up to Tara, this is straight up a reality check for most guys. Personally I rarely find any chick who will converse with me on the finer points of HipHop. Of the 2 or 3 I know (i have become great friends with) I can tell you they put up with so much shit from us fellas e’ry time they out at a show/event.
    One problem for us guys is Dudes don’t wanna have ladies step to them kickin mad facts, thay’d rather peep tha ass (dissapointing but truth): the reason is probably based in the male domination of the industry.
    In a market where sex sells, often times ladies feel that they are not truely represented when it comes to HipHop. Think about the difference between Lil Kim and Jean Grae, both doin their thing, both different,both represent, but both deal with males in a completely different light.
    I won’t keep speelin but next time you see the opportunity to spit game with a chick at a hip-hop show and she turns out to be a hiphop head try to see where she’s commin from and actually listen up. You probly gona learn somethin new…If we intimidate the females, we discriminate the famales.
    Big Up 2 all the Lady-Headz, keep doin’ya thing. One.
    (written by a male)

  • 50 Cent

    I’ll say it again your the worst columnist on this site, you suck.

  • daesonesb

    >>>>Wow, you’re definitly the worst columnist on this site. My suggestion step your fucking game up.

    No way. Dj Drama is at least five times worse. All he talks about is the mixtapes he’s made, and how he is connected and works real hard.

    IMO, the only purpose of the mixtape dj is to fuck otherwise good songs up with obnoxious vocal tags like “GANNGSTER GRIZZIILLZ!”

  • http://www.87northmusic.com J. Biz

    so you have a soft spot for internet nerds hunh?…shot me an email and maybe we can go on an internet date and have cyber sex, but only if you are in to star wars too…OK?

  • that girl

    ahh for real!

    i made a post about this on my own blog the other day. i met my ex because he was so into the fact that i was a head, and we had those ill conversations. he never played that “i know more than you” bs that so many dudes try and play. almost every other head i know out there is on some “i know more than you” steez and it’s wack because i’m not competitive like that. i just wanna build.

    for all the talk about guys wanting to meet female heads, you sure are willing to hit anythign that walks by. i think it’s more important (and more difficult) for girls to find someone who they connect with on that level (i love dem music nerds too!).

    at the end of the day, guys still think of us as just ‘girls’, even if we are friends with them. the competition and indifference of these dudes (hey not all of you!) means that if you’re a female head, you need to have some patience. and maybe most girls just don’t wanna deal with that.

  • http://source.com ONE

    you people speak 4 you’r selves,i aint no damn nerd!
    i just love and respect the culture.as far as offending female heads,i’d like to just come across one.i dont ever see any, much less get the chance to debate with them.
    i’ve dated alot of girls but if i ever met a female head that was fine
    and knew the culture.i swear i’d be faithful to her ass because girls like that are so hard to find.

  • NsaniT

    first off.. she was right about the “First” thing (which we saw here again) Shes completley right about females. i know ONE woman into hip-hop as far as underground circuits, freestyles and such goes, Her knowledge is menacing, almost to the point of mine (but that could be the male ego setting in)

  • 50 Cent


    Yeah i guess your right DJ Dramas blog sucks ass, oh and i found out that DJ Sickamores blog hasnt been that good recently.

    I take everything i said about your blog back.

  • mathew

    don giv a f** if a bitch knows about hip hop. all i wanna know is is she suckin! wtf?

  • Che

    damn straight, i bet tara gives good head too.

  • Smokie

    I’m a (cute) female who loves hip hop. Not just radio, but underground. Men are always surprised at my love for hip hop, and it gets old proving yourself time after time. So, for the most part, I just lurk in the background of hip hop sites. I love every minute of it.

  • Lindemann

    Women don’t like Internet nerds? Next you’ll be telling me women like it when men take showers occasionally.

  • Music Nerd

    >>Women don’t like music nerds


  • rebecca

    I have been going to hip hop shows and been involved in “the culture” for about 11 years, which is nothing compared to a lot of the musicians i listen to. I stopped looking for a man at shows when i was about 16 because every single dude came off as ignorant. I DJ and to this day go into record stores where i’ve been a familiar face for 5 years. If some of the employees are having a discussion about the beef between jay and cam, and i try ot enter in, the conversation stops. whether its because they’re shocked at having a woman actually be aware of, or have an opinion about (god forbid!) something going on in the hip hop world, or just a stupid male i-don’t-know-how-to-talk-to-an-intelligent-female thing, i don’t know, and honestly I don’t give a shit anymore. you can blame this shit on whoever you want, whether its women, men, rappers, gangsters, bloggers, it doesn’t matter and its a waste of time. the point is not to blame anyone. the point is to try to create a more inclusive evironment, without sacrificing the character of hip hop.

  • dipset girl

    u did hit the nail on the head,another thing i find, is that if u do show a true historical knowledge of hiphop, dudes kinda think ur a tomboy, when ur perhaps aren’t shit’s annoying man.

  • Lefty 2Gunz

    you ladies on here should holla at the kid, we can talk music all day!!

    Long as u know what you’re talking bout we can chop it up anytime.

  • young grasshopper

    once again, she speaketh the truth. thank-you tara for not only speaking the truth, but not shitting on someone’s dream when she does speak the truth. that’s one thing the heads have to remember, they get all passionate about their POVs and it’s cool to be passionate, but that forceful shit didn’t work in the residential schools, and it didn’t work during the crusades. trying to force your beliefs on someone and raking them over the coals for feeling someone you don’t, then turning around and saying that she must not know what they’re talking about, or that she doesn’t know anything about hip hop because of age/background/hair colour/what set of genitalia she has is a real conversation killer. if these freakin’ hip hop nerds really want to discuss, ie. listen(which is what you do in between running your fucking mouth)as well as pontificate , learn how to talk to people and refrain from tearing someone a new asshole just because they happen to see the merits of kanye west.

  • allnice

    I have to disagree with Tara on the whole music nerd, disrespecting women tip. I remember chicks I knew that would sing the verses to that Snoop track “It Ain’t No Fun”, which totally disrespects women. When I asked them why they would sing along, they would just say the song wasn’t about them. I had to agree with their logic because they are right. I talked about hip hop with shorties all the time and they knew all the hot topics. Maybe some shorties feel disrespected and left out, but there are many chicks that don’t feel that way at all.

  • Bitch

    Blogs don’t have “nerds”, numbnuts. Real nerds are what make your miserable everyday life easier. Why not stop using software in general, completely boycotting it?

  • Amri

    The majority of friends are guys and we all have mad passion for hip hop. They’re always surprised when I join in the conversation cuz usually I just sit back with a J and listen to what’s going on, so when I actually do join in they’re a little weird about it, especially when I know what I’m talking about. I was around these cats every day and they still got all surprised when I knew my stuff. I loved the shock I got when I opened my mouth and spoke some of the same stuff the others were thinking but couldn’t verbalize. Although I did notice some of ‘em came with the attitude that cuz I’m a female I don’t know anything about the hiphop scene and just liked to shake my ass. And yeah, I like to get down and dance but my love and passion for the music goes way deeper than that. I moved to Texas from California about 4 months ago and it’s SO hard to find heads out here. But when I do meet someone who listens to the same style music I enjoy it’s a great feeling. What better way to spend the day than smoking a J while having an in depth and intellingent conversation on different styles and new things happening in the scene with a dude you just met?

  • DocZeus

    I miss Tara. Best Blogger On The Site.

  • http://www.gwonder.com Georgia Wonder

    Man without women my music taste would be all messed up. Women listen to the song, and less of the hype, than all of us guys put together.

    Women are about the sentiment, while we’re all on about the technique

  • http://www.malaisa.it malaisa

    Great job! I have translate your article in italian on my personal site/blog. I couldn’t find better words to explane these concepts. I owe you a pizza :) And please, write me an e mail. xxx