Toastin’ The New South

Picture 1.jpgNothing could atone for the pain you’ve endured.

It’s really disheartening that so many idiots are missing the finer points being laid out by my esteemed colleague and journalistic legend, Bol Guevara, MD. Not that I should expect much from you socially challenged children with “refresh” button fetishes, but seriously: learn to read, write and think. The vast majority of you shouldn’t be allowed to vote, let alone procreate.

At any rate, before the lot of you go back to working on that cure for cancer, I want to make it well and clear that not everyone at XXLMAG.COM thinks that Southern rap sucks. (Actually, it’s probably not anyone, but seeing as you living abortions don’t know how to read, I might as well say ubkkene aknenke knkla plnlnll.) So, with no further ado:

“21 Reasons Why the South Is Not Ruining Hip-Hop”

1. Three 6 Mafia: Two words: Crunchy Black.

2. Dungeon Family: If you don’t have the first three OutKast albums, the first Goodie Mob joint and Cool Breeze’s East Points Greatest Hit, go kill yourself.

3. Bubba Sparxxx: Deliverance. Deliverance. Deliverance.

4. Young Buck: Greatest. Southern. Rapper. Ever.

5. Scarface: Some people say he’s even better than Young Buck. Eh. They’re entitled to their wrong opinions.

6. Jazze Pha: (I don’t know why, but this dude really annoys the shiite out of me, talking all over the tracks and whatnot. Oh stone me.)

6. Jermaine Dupri: You’d have to go back to when your grandmomma was running moonshine to find a doper producer/songwriter. Don’t make me smack you.

7. Lil Jon: For those brief moments after he was JD’s gofer and before he became self-parodic, he was the kcuffin’ man.

8. Left Eye: Had she been focused, she would have given every batch up to (and possibly including) Lauryn Hill a run for her money on the mic.

9. Young Jeezy: It pains me to no end that he’s lumped in with the crop of “bad” Southern Rappers. Those who hold this view have never hustled, never been fed by a hustler, never known a hustler and probably never had to wonder where their next meal was coming from. May great whyte God in the sky bless you all.

10. Ludacris: Do I have to explain this one? Really? Well, go kill yourself.

11. T.I.: Ubkkene aknenke knkla plnlnll.

12. UGK: Even if I wasn’t a fan, I’d be smart enough to include them on this list—what, with one guy pulling out burners and the other one berating esteemed journalistic legends.

13. Cash Money Records: Seven years after “Ha”: Juvie’s a grown man and emerging elder statesmen, B.G.’s an OG, Wayne’s one of the illest doing it (yes, it pains me to admit this, too) and Mannie Fresh is becoming some sort of Southern Primo (back when Primo was primo). And then there’s Baby.

14. Eightball & MJG: Well, you know, I like their early stuff.

15. G Slimm: Ask yourself: Why?

16. Trick Daddy: If your mind’s not right on this one, there’s not much I can do for you now.

17. No Limit: Colonel P and his troops showed the game a new form of hustle on a higher level. Besides, I have a son and I’m not chancing P and his goons running up on him at the bus stop. (P’s gully like that, if you ain’t know.)

18. DJ Drama: He could stop right now and still be a legend.

19. BET Uncut: Take out the Southern videos and you’re just there watching commercials for ringtones.

20. Mike Jones: The fact that he sucks has nothing to do with the fact that he’s from Texas. He just sucks. By proving that wackness is universal, Mr. Jones provides a very important lesson, and we’re all the better for it.

21. OZONE Magazine: Becuase no where else have a I seen a full-page advertisement for Lil Flip’s ugly arse tennis shoes, which—while not quite as ugly as the Master P kicks are definitely worse than the Birdman’s action—need to be seen in high resolution to be believed.

—–
To be totally fair and balanced, and live up to the journalistic standards of truth and integrity set by Fox News and The Daily Show, I’ll be back tomorrow with “21 Reasons Why the South Is, Indeed, Ruining Hip-Hop.” Ironically, about a half dozen of these guys will be pulling double duty.

  • bluerid

    ok hold up im not working THAT fast you know..omg at my homework assignments.ok peace!!!

  • bluerid

    im bored of the south..

  • http://www.unkut.com Robbie

    Nelly’s “Deerty One’s” = ugliest shoe’s ever.

    “Left Eye: Had she been focused, she would have given every batch up to (and possibly including) Lauryn Hill a run for her money on the mic.”

    Ha…the only “heat” she was bringing was when she was burning down mansions.

    “Besides, I have a son and I’m not chancing P and his goons running up on him at the bus stop. (P’s gully like that, if you ain’t know.)”

    Can’t fault you there.

  • suckitmarshall

    Thank god someone else recognizes that Jazzy Pha is a blight on the south’s ass cheek….Jesus christ, that guy was in the Memphis my block wearing a Braves hat, that fake-ass ATLien….And other than ‘Dro In The Wind’ his beats are lighter in the ass than Clay Aiken….

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  • http://YAHOO 1 K.I.N.G W.A.T.R

    THE EAST KEEP ON HATIN AND THE SOUTH RAPEN YALL POCKETS GET OVER IT THE SOUTH IS MAKIN JUKO AND YALL NIGGAS CANT STAND IT!!@!! UGK ,8BALL&MJG,OUTKAST,3-6,MASTER P,ALL KINGS THAT SHOWED THE WORLD THAT WE ALL DONT WEAR TIM’S AND TALK THAT SUN DO-LA SHIT/B-BOY/HIP-HOP

  • WHAT!?

    Young Buck better than Scarface? Are you joking? Oh yeah i forgot, XXL works for the G-unit.

  • http://www.myspace.com/geoffdilkes G Off

    Young Buck, meet Andre 3000- the best Southern rapper ever.

  • sir grimes

    dude……….dig a little more deeper than that. theres alot more to the south then you see. you’re riding the mainstream boat.

  • http://wtf.com naw

    zzzzzzzzzz
    actually the line about BET uncut is funny.

  • lmfao!!!

    corporate hip hop sux!!!!

  • http://www.myspace.com/therapistmusic Therapist

    yawn

    maybe i’m not smart enough to get what the fuck your point is behind all the useless sarcasm..

  • Southern_Drama

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Oh…what was that again? (Rubs eyes) I fell asleep. The South ain’t going nowhere!

  • NessaUPT

    i hope u are careful tomorrow… :)

  • Mikey Ess AKA SukedowN

    >4. Young Buck: Greatest. Southern. Rapper. Ever.

    - I will assume those 4 sentences had nothing to do with eachother, or you have a mancrush on Young Buck.

    Wow. I’m assuming after viewing over 14 hours of MTV2 you compiled enough information for this list.

    Three Six? Mike Jones? Lil Jon? Young Jeezy?

    I realize you crunched your brain thinking of big names like that, but I’m sure if you had thought a little harder, or had even thought at all.

    If you hadn’t left out (off the top of the dome)left out GB, Field Mob, or at least Vince Young, you’re list might not have lacked the pop that it did.

    Step up your game patna. Good Luck in the future.

  • Mikey Ess AKA SukedowN

    -I know my grammar was jacked, (1st and only criticism)

  • KASH KANE

    UR A CLOWN MAN THE SOUTH JUST LIVE A DIFERENT LIFESTYLE SO THE MUSIC IS DIFFERENT I MEAN WE DO NEED DIVERSITY IN MUSIC RIGHT? U WANT ALL MUSIC TO SOUND LIKE NEW YORK MUSIC?

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  • http://www.hotmail.com SlientSequence

    young buck one of the illest of the south but not the greatest hes at least between ti,lil wayne,ludacris and young jeezy

  • http://www.fuckxxl.com The Real

    All I have to say is that you are by no means ready for the repercussions of what your mouth has and is about to get you in. I hope yo pussy ass come out the house to find a pistol in your face.

    If you can be seen you can be touched. If you can be touched you can be killed. Think about that one! We know what you look like homie X-(

  • DCMadeMan

    Young Buck? Are you serious? Who is this clown that wrote this column because he needs his pink slip. Buck had one cd that was ALRIGHT and the nigga couldn’t even answer back when d-block was killing the whole g-unot camp.FUCK OUTTA HERE!

  • http://www.funkdigital.com/blog/mt-tb.cgi/5 funkdigital

    # DCMadeMan Says:
    April 11th, 2006 at 9:52 am

    Young Buck? Are you serious? Who is this clown that wrote this column because he needs his pink slip. Buck had one cd that was ALRIGHT and the nigga couldn’t even answer back when d-block was killing the whole g-unot camp.FUCK OUTTA HERE!

    Agreed.

  • Mozeek

    Why didn’t Outkast make the list? They’re one of the best hip hop groups
    from the south. Matter of fact, they’re one of the best hip hop groups of all time.

  • Ian

    Wasn’t smart to holla back ON A MIXTAPE? Jada and D block won’t hurt their sales, but Game will. That’s why the response records will drop when the new G-unit albums come out, save for Game i hope they keep comming at his ass. Plus he gave them four bars on “300 shots” and “they don’t bother me”. Buck is hot down here, him and Banks are the only ones in the Unit that we feeling in the south. Young Buck hasn’t earned the title of King, yet, but he’s making big moves with his G-unit South label. Lil Scrappy is going to really create problems and Buck been waiting in the background, while the other G-unit artists do their thing, before he comes back hard. His album was the only one, aside from Game, that came anywhere close to touching Get Rich. The only reason Banks sold more was because Banks’s album didn’t leak two months before it dropped, and buck still sold two million, and he had the hotter first single “on Fire”. If things go right this time around then Buck is going to create a lot of problems down here.

  • ME

    Why aint Z-Ro on that list? You put mike jones and young jeezy on that list but u aint put Z-Ro on it? And where is Young Buck da best rapper eva? Scarface is betta than him and he’s more tha king of tha south than T.I. is. You need to include more than mainstream rappers. Try Yo Gotti and Trae.

  • 11KAP

    KRIS EX, YOU’RE A JERK. YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT “GO KILL YOURSELF!”, AND YOU DID NOT EVEN MENTION THE GETO BOYZ, THEN YOU SLIGHTED SCARFACE, THE LIVING LEGEND OF THE SOUTH. I MEAN, WHO REALLY STARTED SOUTHERN RAP, DOG?

  • Hustle Hard

    “The vast majority of you shouldn’t be allowed to vote, let alone procreate.”

    Oh please. I’m probably worthy of being the one posting these articles, seeing as how i’m probably the most genre literate, if you know what i mean. Seeing that i am one of the few people who actually use grammar. And finally, seeing as how I know what i’m talking about.

    Nice job insulting the ones making the comments tho.

  • Hustle Hard

    “21 Reasons Why the South Is Not Ruining Hip-Hop”

    Ironically, you’re reasons stated more opposite than why they’re actually not running hip hop.

  • Hustle Hard

    following my second comment, Kill me if you did that on purpose -_-

  • Hustle Hard

    oh shit. Typo in my second comment!!

  • Quita P

    oh hell nawl Robbie U gon get off my Girl R.I.P. Left Eye Bitch shut the fuck up u probably never heard her solo shit so fuck u and i bet if she was still here she’d a hell of alot better than some others

  • BirdsFlySouth

    Top reason East Coast isn’t on Top

    1. Some of the rappers are gay. “P. Diddy, Killa Kam….

    2. Most are haters. Hate people for the hell of it “50 CENT Gillie… list goes on”

    3. Ain’t real. “Nas signing with Jay Z after he shot in his baby seat; Mob Deep getting G Unit Tattoos how you gone sign wit a dude you greater than and let him screw up your career; Pastor/Murda Mase; this list could go on for days but I’m cuttin it off

    When its all said and done East coast dudes just got female traits. Instead of congradulatin and asking how they on top. They try to bring the next man down. should have hit Kris Ex house instead of the towers

  • Trap Sumthin’

    You Are Missing 8ball&MJG; Goodie Mob ; 2 Live Crew; Geto Boyz; UGK; The Screwed Up Click (Especially DJ Screw);and OutKast Young Buck Iz Good For A Young Cat, BUT IN NO FUCKING SHAPE FORM OR FASHION IS BETTER THAN SCAREFACE

  • pmahallik

    How is Buck the best rapper from the south he aint wearing the crown!!
    T.I.P? Luda? Trick Daddy? Bun B? Z-Ro? Dont overlook the real niggas…

  • Dizom

    Out cast is the only tight shit to ever come out of the south. Luda can flow but he went too pop. Geto boys are
    the original southern MCs but there prety much average MCs. The bottom line.. there is no MC from the Country that can come close to NY,Cali, Detroit,or Chicago. the dirty south stole our style and put a twist on it than tried to call it original.Where was hip hop and grafitti started? How about lowriders ? we were break dancing
    back when the south was still run by the Klan. black people wern’t aloud to use a public restrooms let alone put on a hip hop show. Westside!!!!

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  • slim

    ok cause he east coast and whoever ain’t winning right now they wanna hate on us, we running hip hop right now cause we was patient and we waited on our turn to shine, and we gone keep winning if y’all faggot keep hatin. Greatest Supergroup ever DF, Greatest Hip Hop Group ever OutKast, top 10 mc’s of all time Andree 3000. enough said

  • ?cLuE

    I agree wit DIZOM, the South was pussy, gettin run ova by rednecks. Ya niggaz can’t talk shit about NYC, cuz thats where Hip Hop started. The west got it in the 90′s wit the lowriders. 90% of the South is corny, they need new dances 2 get radio play, jus wat Game sed.Don’t get me wrong i like Outkast,Scarface,Young Buck,Jeezy,T.I.Luda,Weezy,etc. But the rest is makin corny ass musik,example:Unk,Dem Frech Frie Boyz, etc.

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  • cody

    deliverance. deliverance. deliverance! (i like the way this guy thinks bubba is a god)

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  • nyc

    #
    BirdsFlySouth Says:

    August 11th, 2006 at 3:51 pm

    Top reason East Coast isn’t on Top

    1. Some of the rappers are gay. “P. Diddy, Killa Kam….

    2. Most are haters. Hate people for the hell of it “50 CENT Gillie… list goes on”

    3. Ain’t real. “Nas signing with Jay Z after he shot in his baby seat; Mob Deep getting G Unit Tattoos how you gone sign wit a dude you greater than and let him screw up your career; Pastor/Murda Mase; this list could go on for days but I’m cuttin it off

    When its all said and done East coast dudes just got female traits. Instead of congradulatin and asking how they on top. They try to bring the next man down. should have hit Kris Ex house instead of the towers

    Yo, kid you are really confused, so I’m gonna help you understand “the east coast”. First off, NY’ers talk a lot of shit, much more than anyone else in the rest of the country. We feel the great majority of hip hop that comes out of here is far supirior to 99.5% of the shit that comes out of the south. We’re going to tell you how it is weather you want to hear it or not!!! NEW YORK is the realest city in the fucking world!!!! You get no bullshit here, just the way it is!