Slapbox With Jesus, Lick Shots At Joseph

Why put you in a verse when I could put you in a coroner van?

{+} In the type of news that is not really news—not even to the fruit flies that read the masterful strokes of insight put forth on these XXLMAG.com virtual pages—the “artist” formerly known and Lil’ Bow Wow, is engaged in a war of snide comments and subliminals with the trust fund recipient formerly known as Lil’ Romeo, son of Master “Ugh!” P. Because you’ve all asked and have no doubt been fervently awaiting my opinion, I will share it with you:

Bow Wow really needs shut the cuff up. Anyone with two ears can tell T.I. wrote “Fresh Azimiz,” hook, lines and sinkers. (If I wanted to hear ghostwritten battles, I’d listen to Lil’ Kim got at Foxy Brown.) Besides, these rap nickels get real sensitive about their sons and Mr. Dances With Stars has enough bank to make you disappear from eight states away. Act like you know, li'l doggie.

{+} It’s Ya Boy?

Now, I can officially say that I have seen everything. (I won’t get into the fact that an XXL staffer is in his Top 8.)

{+} Myspace is a pox on society and a blight on civilization. Unless you’re trying to get laid. Then it would be what is known to some as “the quan.”

{+} Is it just me or is it patently absurd that Paul “Sittin' Sidewayz” Wall’s newborn son already has a “Nickname”?

Cuff you and your weak religion. . .

{+} Like Sean “Hurricane Game” Fenessey, I’m surprised more people aren’t talking about the (yawn) blasphemy of “Pearly Gates.” Could it be that everyone’s finally realizing that believing in the Biblical version of Jesus “Son of God” Christ is about as sensible believing in the non-mythical version of Hercules?

Or Barney. I mean, we’ve actually seen Barney, you know.

{+} In other meteorological news, Hurricane Feezy was seen geeking out and hand wringing over Jeff “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop” Chang’s nerdified request that Kelefa “New York Times, Batch!” Sanneh unleash the full range of his egghead powers.

The fact that I’m actually interested in this dialogue scares me to no small end. But, I must warn you, following links of nerds talking about other nerds is akin to recording Paris Hilton talking about herself in the third person while she reads about her latest escapades on Page Six as a televsion plays footage of her posing for pictures on a red carpet. Such things can cause the universe to implode.

Or even the second coming. Of Barney.

{+} Just to be clear: One sentence from Jeff Chang > 5,000 comments from you fruit flies.

{+} I really don’t get what all the Lupe fiasco is about. It’s been fascinating to watch him grow as an emcee while tried to figure out who he is, or more applicably, whom he wants to present himself to be to the public. (And you know I’m being serious because I used “whom.”)

Right now, I think Lupe’s a B+ rapper, at best. He’s adept at timing a rhyme, silly with that word construction/syllable emphasis/re-appropriated pronunciation thing that Black Thought doesn’t get enough credit for making popular and chuckle-nice with similes/metaphors. (I mean, dude once said something about hitting a track like John Henry, which pretty much sums it all up.) Moreover, “Kick, Push” showed that he has what it takes to follow an idea for 48 bars. But after about three (or five, or six—who's counting?) mixtapes, I'm not seeing the second coming of Nas or whatever he's supposed to be. From what I’ve been able to glean from the Fahrenheit installments, he’s blessed with the raw materials—honest insight, under explored points of view, creative exuberance—need to make a timeless LP. But, I doubt that this unfinished leak—which I still haven’t heard—is it. There seems to be a tendency amongst youth and internetters to champion potential, herald possibility and celebrate expectation—even when the finish product falls short of your unattainable dreams. (Which it almost invariably, undoubtedly will.)

None of this is to say that Lupe’s making trash. It doesn’t have to be feast or famine. When you fruit flies erode the vastness that is the middle ground by declaring unworthy records to be classics, or dismissing otherwise passable efforts as wack, you’re being worse than the nameless, faceless industry you purport to hate. An album doesn’t have to change your life to be valid. If it helps get you through your day, that should be enough.

{+} Take the latest album from Lord “Da Lux” Jamar. I’ve found myself enjoying it, even with the “for press use only” vocal watermark on it.(a) It’s not going to “bring knowledge back” or what have you. But for the hour or so that it’s in rotation, and the few moments afterwards, it makes me feel that there is still intelligent life in hip-hop that appreciates tradition without being held down by it; that respects the past and accepts the present. Plus it has a joint with featuring the seeds of GZA, ODB and Da Lux, which doesn't suck. What more can you ask for?

{+} One thing no one notes about mixtape artists: It’s much easier to jump on that already certified banger, jack a flow and remix a concept than it is to meet that virgin instrumental and impregnate it with your own blueprint. Especially when you’re not sure if that banger is actually a banger. (Won’t even get into the pressures of recouping, satisfying the preferences of numerous company men demanding a return on their investment, the temptations of catering to radio, etc.)

Li’l mama super thick, she say she twenty-two. . .

{+} It only took Rick Ross one verse to catch my attention. He has that Young Jeezy appeal, and people who use words like lyrical will note that Ross is not, well, lyrical. If you can overlook such things, whip it, whip it real hard to the Afrikan gentlemen in your neighborhood for M.I.Yayo. Or support Southern drug cartels.

{+} Obviously, DJ Drama’s never heard We Got it For Cheap, Vol. 2. Obviously.

{+} If a friend asks you if you’ve slept with his ex-girlfriend, the proper response is not, “Come on, you know what they say about holes and pasta—they better the second time around.”

{+} Both Keak "da" Sneak and George "Light That Shiite" Clinton fly Jetblue, further bolstering my assertion that Jetblue > Delta Song.

{+} Manny Ramirez and Tango Redd have the same hairstylist.(b)

{+} Kelly Clarkson moving her hips in the "Walk Away" video > Anything every done by the Pussycat Dolls.(c)

{+} Neither of which is as good as Nikki "Flavor of Love" Hoopz' quest to redeem Reggaeton from its drum machine-induced purgatory. Aye Carumba!

{+} It pains me to end that no one is acknowledging that Slick Rick the Ruler is undoubtedly, unequivocally, undeniably the greatest rapper of all time. I am hurt, stunned, astounded amazed and dazed and confused. Go kill yourselves.

All of you cock-pullers are frontin’. . .

{+} Not that I feel the need to validate myself in front of any of you fruit flies, but it should be noted that all of my opinions are borne of my own personally bias, drug-razed memory and the limited amounts of time between downloading porn that I allow myself to write these posts. . . thereby making them authoritatively definitive and more informed than anything any 20 of you can come up with. Accept this and the rest of your miserable existence may be considerably less painful than what it is now.

{+} Kevin “No New Taxes” Powell wrote an Esquire cover story on Dave "Whitey's Tryna Kill Me" Chappelle that you can apparently read online only if you have a subscription . . which. . . makes. . . no. . . sense.

At any rate, it’s semi because Dave basically dances around saying that he bugged out, was over his head and needs therapy (or Barney) in his life. But it’s fascinating because over the course of nine days (split between Hollywood and Ohio), Dave proves that he really has no idea where he’s going or what he’s doing. I think it’s fine that he’s still working it all out, but seriously, dude needs to lay low until he can get a beat on.

{+} Look: New important advances in the Natalee Holloway case! TomKat had a baby! Yes, because it’s not like we’re not being led by what is arguably the the worst presidential administration in United States history. It’s not as if the price of gas is in danger of surpassing the price of water(d), New Orleans is a breeding ground for science fiction novels and Iraq is costing more than you can logically fathom.

{+} If a woman says, “I don’t think we should be doing this anymore,” she really just wants you to ask her nicely. Take it for checking.

===========================

(a) Maybe I should have Elliot “Sticky Fingers” Wilson get me a quasi-proper copy.

(b) My legal team suggests that I share with you the fact that I have no way of verifying this information.

(c) This statement in no way implies that I am familair with everything ever done by the Pussycat Dolls.

(d) Just think about that one.