Male groupies: the real reason rappers need security

The top reason that rappers need security is not what you would think. It’s not cause they are embroiled in vicious beefs with their fellow artists or cause they are continually being tested by haters on the block. Both of these reasons are valid, but they aren’t the number one reason rappers need to roll with three hundred pound hulks with highly convincing screw-faces and arms the size of most people’s legs.

The top reason rappers need security is male groupies.

I know what you’re thinking: what about the females? For obvious reasons, rappers like to paint female groupies as super aggressive, star-struck desperados that grasp at coat tails and attempt to perform oral sex without any concern for appropriate time or place.

But that’s all nonsense. After four years in the industry, the only time I have ever seen a female doing anything like that was at an Alkaholiks concert, when this chubby, drunk blonde girl freestyled (badly) to a bouncer in an attempt to get backstage. (As if the bouncer is some sort of cipher judge, or, for that matter, the designated gatekeeper for sexual exploits for the evening. Why he should care about unleashing an extremely drunk female on J-Ro or Tash is beyond me. But I digress.)

The way things usually go down is that the road manager or some hanger-on in the entourage combs the crowd, finds the chicks with the biggest implants, the fattest booties, and the longest acrylic nails, and persuades them to come backstage. It usually doesn’t take much smooth-talking to make it happen. (The only time I’ve ever seen these pseudo-pimps turned down was at an outdoor Black Eyed Peas show in Canada where group after group of girls passed on meeting will.i.am and his posse of MTV bohemians.)

Female groupies will come backstage and act scandalous, it’s true, but they’re not usually banging down the doors and/or creating a scene to do it.

In reality, it’s the male fans that are the problem. In the club, it’s these guys that push past the velvet ropes and harass the artist when he’s trying to get his drink on and/or flirt with the ladies. At the in-store signing it’s these guys that turn up, sweaty and nervous, and dominate the artist’s time. At the show, it’s these guys that hang around at the backstage door and ambush the artist when he tries to break out.

But you’ll never get rappers to admit it. (Aside from a choice “I ain’t trying to be rude dude, but why don’t you disappear?” outburst here and there.) For one, no rapper wants to alienate his fan base, which is—let’s be honest—80% jock-riders. For two, because of the Yes Hetero rule (or as Kris Ex has aptly renamed it, the No Whatever Whatever rule). And for three, because most rappers are generally decent people and they don’t want to shit on someone who is obviously sort of sad and lonely. (Either that or they are trying to avoid having one of these male groupies snap in a Hustle & Flow-type moment and pistol whip them in the men’s room.)

I’ve been wanting to write an article on male groupies for a while. But generally the response I get from rappers on this matter is a vague, “I mean, I don’t really have that problem with my fans.” This is usually said through clenched teeth as Stan himself approaches and hovers expectantly, waiting for the rapper to acknowledge his presence/receive his demo tape/listen to him gush/nod while he relays intensely personal stories about the impact of said rapper’s music. “See,” the rapper will insist, despite being visibly uncomfortable. “Dudes are cool.”

So, yeah, you probably won’t be seeing an article on the subject anytime soon.

  • Che

    Hmm…I dunno. I guess i can see where you’re coming from but what about someone like beyonce? she’s got a 7 foot 700 pound bodyguard which if we’re honest couldn’t beat a handicapped tortoise in a 100 metre sprint. where’s the logic behind that?

  • Che

    by the way good article, better than byron crawford. that dude is a cock jocking drama queen.

  • T. Okes

    Nice article.
    “This is usually said through clenched teeth as Stan himself approaches and hovers expectantly, waiting for the rapper to acknowledge his presence/receive his demo tape/listen to him gush/nod while he relays intensely personal stories about the impact of said rapper’s music.”

    LOL, imagining this shit is too funny… ‘hovers’ killed it. And LMAO @ chicks turning down the oppurtunity to meet will.i.am.

  • Southern_Drama

    LMAO, now that is some funny shit.

  • http://rockthedub.blogspot.com khal

    @CHE is that Beyonce is an investment. It’s one thing if MC Cockblock gets shot — there’s a few hundred passers-on that can do his job. Beyonce is an image, she’s a powerhouse, a meal ticket. There can only be one Beyonce, just like there can be only one Madonna, J.Lo, etc… and their handlers like to protect their investment.

  • http://www.myspace.com/geoffdilkes G Off

    Listen to “HelloHiHey” by Lifesavas to hear a hilarious version of these events.

    It’s a funny change when the rapper, who used to be the obsessive fan, is now the one being chased by the groupies.

    Nice drop of “Too Many Hoes in Here”!

  • http://www.myspace.com/kanemuzik LiL X aka kane

    male groupies are fags wit no self respect.

    loserrrsssss

  • http://www.unkut.com Robbie

    Ice Cube described this situation best on “Get Off My Dick Nigga and Tell Yo Bitch To Come Here (Remix)”.

    The most annoying kida are the ones that try to “battle” their idol backstage or at the bar.

  • http://ifaip.tofflan.net johnsen

    groupies in general have no self respect

  • http://www.chopdezol.com OVAWIT

    hear hear….that’s exactly what it is. male groupies are the fuckin worst…which is a shame cause I’d love to approach my favorite artists give them a pound and keep it moving but i don’t cause some clown slobbering and foaming at the mouth…sweaty as hell with chronic breath talking the artist to death…watching this happen makes real fans just fall back

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    How add your site to technorates?

  • Drizzy_mistress

    onli us gurls can b groupies, ….A man is supposed to be masculine, laid back, etc etc && to the opposite sex they can b nice & flirty & stuff (like drake) but 2 there own gender they shouldn’t, bc men are supposed to be dominant & not worship any other, just lust after females.if you were to be a male fan of drake it should be VERY lowkey, like u should just be like ‘yea hes cool’ && listen 2 his songs & stuff (This is 4 EVERY male artist) & if u do go to his concert you should just bob ur head & maybe RAP along.If he wouldve just did that then drake wouldn’tve disrespected him but he was going crazy & lifting his girl up && spazzing like hes a female, & drake didnt respect that.its ok 4 a gurl to b a gurls fan & go crazy like that but artists (esp. rappers) that are guys dont wana see other men going gaga at there concerts & fainting & jumping up & down 4 them, its like u have no shame or pride, or u have gay tendencies.Drake (& Most male artists) just dont respect male groupies.