Surprise: You don’t even know what you gettin’.
[Mo' Ammunition: 21 Reasons Why The South Is Not Ruining Hip-Hop]
21 Reasons Why The South Is, Indeed, Ruining Hip-Hop
1. Three 6 Mafia: Two words: La Chat.
2. Cee-Lo Green: He turned his back on one of the greatest
Southern rap groups of all time. I’m sure there are three sides to every story, but I find this unforgivable. (Unless, of course, one of them impregnated your babymomma. Then you crank up some 808-driven tune about keeping your foot on that batch’s neck and call it a day.)
3. No one copped Deliverance: Thus explaining why The Charm is one big step backwards for Southernkind. Especially that “Ms. New Booty.”
4. D4L: You cannot defend the indefensible.
5. Dem Franchize Boys: Except for Parlae. Word on the skreet is his G is certified. And I can always get with a brother trying to change his life.
6. Jazze Pha: This is another Jazze Phizzle producshizzle. Please stone me. Quickly.
7. The Circus: Apparently, some Negro gypsies passed through ATL and had the nerve to leave the Ying Yang Twins behind. (The show hasn’t been the same since losing Lerch-man and Gizmo-boy.)
8. Baby “Birdman” Williams AKA The #1 Stunna: Time was, you could do nothing but admire the brother’s hustle. But since then, he’s ruined one of the greatest rap conglomerates ever, sold butt-ugly sneakers and channeled the lesser parts of both Suge Knight and Puffy Diddy into one useless persona.
9. 8 Ball & MJG: For not knowing better than to sign with the Puff Monster. (How much Crown Royal where you guys drinking?)
10. Paul Wall & Johnny the Jeweler: Just. Stop.
11. Insecurrre Southern Hip-Hop fans: It’s hard to appreciate the good music that comes from the Dirty Dirty with you whiners broadcasting your martyr syndrome/victimization complex all over the place. (As an esteemed journalistic legend and noted doctor once said, “Quit yer bitchin’.”) Don’t know who’s hating on you, but it’s no one over here.
12. Pen & Pixel Graphics: Ubkkene aknenke knkla plnlnll.
13. Lil Flip: A kcuffin’ Leprechaun? Geezus H.
14. Because it’s not New York: You idiots are going to read this, anyway. Just figured I’d make it easier for you oxygen deprived jokes of nature.
15. Southern-based drug cartels run RabbitShare: And they tried to tell us that “snap music” was something more than it was. That crap was no G-Funk.
16. Chamillionaire: Three mixtapes and you couldn’t finish Mike Jones? What are you—enrolled in the Jayceon T. Taylor Shool for Useless Run-On Rap Beef?
17. Mr. Collipark: Intimate club music, my eye. The cow has been milked. You caught two great songs out of it. Move on, Blackman. Move on.
18. Universal Records: After they got lucky with Cash Money, they were throwing money at anything with gold teeth and a drop top. Because of this, there was a lot of really bamma shiite released around the turn of the century. I’d give you names, but I sold all that crap on Houston Street with the quickness.
19. Pastor Troy: Homey switched up to go mainstream. I blame Universal.
20. Chingo Bling: Maybe I’m not smart enough to catch the detournement (word to Clyde Smith), but from here, it looks like you’re clowning on Mexicans. We don’t condone that type of thing over here.
21. OZONE Magazine: Because each issue has more than enough ammunition to fill this list 36 times over.
Aprops of nothing: Sada Pop TV Presents Flipmode Eyewitness News: Busta Rhymes asks, “How the fuck does a Ferrari end up in a rosebush?” before getting into with zee pigs. (What is it with dude and Miaimi?)