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Bun B quit yer bitchin’

“Let me tell you something, pendejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes ‘click.’” – Jesus

So the other day I created a post in which I attempted to prove that southern rap fans, and not backpackers, are the most annoying fans in all of hip-hop. I figured a few – maybe 15 or 40 – of these assholes would show up in the comments section with their retarded, misguided, emotional outbursts (filled with ridonkulous mispellings, ALL CAPS, and what have you) thus proving my point. Never would I have guessed that over 100 of these d-bags and counting, including the biggest southern rap stan of them all, Bun B, would all respond within the space of 2 days. Ah, the Internet.

In fact, when I heard Bun B had responded to the post, I hoped he had actually read it and would respond to some of the points I made in it. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Bun B did nothing of the sort. Instead he let loose with the kind of comment that begins, “You sit in your fucking cubicle all day…” It could very well be the case that Bun B doesn’t know how to read, and that one of his hoes read it for him (while Pimp C pointed a gun at her, natch) and then typed up his response. Does that seem too unlikely a scenario? How else to account for the fact that Bun B is accusing me of all kinds of weird shit that doesn’t have shit to do with shit?

First of all, Bun B goes on a lengthy-ass rant about how people in the South have supported all kinds of music for over 20 years. Um, OK. First of all, as a matter of explanation, I’m not from New York. As mentioned in my post about why Reggaeton should be banned, I visited there briefly last year and didn’t particularly care for it. In general, I found it dirty and vastly overpopulated. I was born, raised, and currently reside in St. Louis, MO. As I’m sure you’re all aware, there are a few very popular (a lot more so than UGK) rappers from around here, but I don’t pretend to like them just because I come from the same town. What kind of gay-ass shit is that?

Nor do I feel any obligation to “support” someone just because they rap. In general, I don’t encourage anyone to buy anything they don’t really need, but then I’m gully like that. As the President would say, you speak of hip-hop as if it’s some sort of entitlement program. On the rare occasion that I do buy a CD, I buy it because I want to listen to it. I could give a fuck if the artist makes $5 or $.05 from it. Am I supposed to be impressed by the fact that people in your region spend more money on rap CDs than people in any other region? Could it be that people in Texas have lower standards of quality in music than people in other parts of the country? That would certainly explain the popularity of “turning lane rap,” or whatever it is you call it.

I will say I was rather impressed by his lengthy list of important friends in the rap industry. Indeed, I’m impressed in general by people – adults – who attempt to win arguments by name dropping. Since we’re on the topic, I suppose I should mention that I went to high school with a guy who once met Lisa Loeb. And my old roommate occasionally caddies for Bob Costas. Ever heard of that fruity major label anarchist band the Living Things? You guessed it, homo, I went to high school with at least one, if not all of them. And don’t even get me started about the guy who wrote Hello, My Name Is Scott. Or the time I met one of the guys from Hoop Dreams at the Missouri Black Expo. I could go on, but I think you’re beginning to see my point.

And you say I only hear what I want to.

But the part that really got me is when Bun B suggests I might be in the wrong place at the wrong time and end up in a situation similar to his life partner Pimp C. Um, since when is pulling a gun out on a woman in a mall a matter of being in the wrong place at the wrong time? Come on, bro. Did he mean to suggest that if they weren’t at a mall, but rather, say a showing of ATL, it would’ve been the right time to do something like that? The truth of the matter is that anyone who would flash a piece out in front of a motherfucking Orange Julius is a fucking idiot. If anything, Bun B should be worried about himself being out somewhere with that asshole.

Finally, if Bun B is such a badass (no one doubts that Pimp C is – he’ll pull a gun out on you), why is he going on the Internet typing long-ass paragraphs about people that hardly said shit about him? If you read my post carefully (slowly, if necessary), you’ll notice that at no point in it did I suggest that all or even most southern hip-hop is bad. Meanwhile, Curtis “Interscope” Jackson is on the record as saying just that. Funny, I don’t see Bun B going on the Internet (or anywhere else, for that matter) and telling him to shove anything in his pussy. Hmm, I wonder why that is… Could it be that Jimmy “Double Fantasy” Iovine doesn’t allow Bun B to say shit about 50 Cent?

People, there’s a reason why Bun B is the only rapper who can’t even manage to sell 500,000 CDs, and yet and still manages to grace the cover of magazines like The Source and XXL seemingly every other month; and it ain’t got shit to do with the fact that he thinks he’s friends with “Cool Herc” (sic). Bun B is a tool of the industry and a sorry old man who only ever had a hit when he did a song with Jay-Z, who will do a song with anyone. The Soundscan numbers don’t lie, fags. UGK wasn’t selling shit back before southern rap was popular, and they still aren’t selling shit now that it’s the hottest thing out.

Your revolution is over. The bums lost.

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