You know what, I love the rain. Actually, I love the reign. That’s me on top of the rap journalism game for six years straight. Let me tell you how it feels to be on top of the world. Fuck that, I’ve just begun like Jimmy Castor. You can pray to the Pastor. I curse all y’all like Ma$e. Read it and weep—there’s no end in sight. This one’s dedicated to you inferior fucks and jealous bitches who envy me. To the anonymous assholes hunched over your keyboards writing erroneous shit to get a rise out of YN: You’re beneath me. You wanna know why I ain’t gotta answer niggas? ’Cause I truly understand these niggas—sneak dissin’ haters who want to get put on. You just want my autograph on your copy of ego trip’s Book of Rap Lists or, better yet, on a XXL contract. You’d be doing naked cartwheels if I ever gave you a byline. You don’t stand for shit, so sit. Just wait for your moms to go to sleep so you can get back on that computer. I’m ready for a blogger geek burial. I’m Kool Herc to you jerks. Plus, I’m rich, pricks. And I kept my integrity. There’s no one better than me.
This month, I simply did it again. Going toe-to-toe with the CEO of Gangsta Music, Suge Knight. Actually, I didn’t do it. A fellow dinosaur did the honors. True hip-hop readers take note: I brought moviemaking-award-winning journalist Carter Harris out of retirement. His interview with the rap game’s public enemy number one is second to none. Thanks to Suge for truly opening up and showing us why he’s feared and respected on some true Bronx Tale shit. He got to plug his new protégé Petey Pablo, and we got a provocative story that everyone will be yapping their gums about. In memory of the homie Tupac Shakur, that’s a fair exchange.
You close-minded chumps may be asking why is Suge on the cover… Now? Especially with Kanye West dropping Late Registration on Aug 30. Why did we give Kanye’s new album a XXL rating (That’s right, Mr. Humility did it again like Britney. ’Grats, ’Ye! Yippee!) but no cover? If you remember, he was just on front page one a few months back with Jay-Z in that presidential shot. (Yeah, the cover didn’t come out as we hoped. I already apologized to Jigga.) And, like the wife says, you gotta space things out. And if you really put your thinking caps on, Suge is super relevant.
Anyone follow the Biggie civil trial this summer? We did, and got an exclusive story out of it. The verdict: Brooklyn’s finest’s demise is still linked to dirty LAPD cops and Suge Knight—a charge he vehemently denies. ’Member that West Coast peace conference a few months back, where Snoop said he and Sugar Bear had mended their differences? It may not be that simple. ’Member late last year when there was a little scuffle at a certain award show? That’s right, the fingers were pointed at our cover subject. Rumors of a physical altercation with The Game? Yup, we got that scoop, too. Are you starting to understand why only a chosen few get covers?
Admit it, if YN’s words weren’t so engaging you’da already fast-forwarded to the feature well to see what’s what. There’s nothing wrong with selling magazines, kids. You can always keep it real on the inside, and this one’s solid from top to bottom. Starting off with your favorite rapper’s favorite trapper, Young Jeezy. The ATL boy is the talk of the industry. If he keeps it up, he may be adding XXL to his Juice and Don Diva cover résumé. Also with an equally promising future is the Dipset’s Juelz Santana. People used to poke fun of his lyrics, and now he’s revered like Rakim. Or at least he had Ra in his video. Talk about a power move! Wondering what’s up with Swizz Beatz now that his artist Cassidy’s behind bars? Interested in finding out who’s the hottest new producer in hip-hop today? Can underground stalwarts like Little Brother get their just due in YN’s evil empire? We does it all.
You ain’t cop the V Satten–helmed Shade45 issue flying off the newsstands yet? Bezo’s got the Eye Candy mag coming soon. We also got XXL albums, DVDs, books, etc. We striving, hold on. They can’t do what we do, baby. Minus the bullshit, life is great.
Elliott “Got That Ambition, Baby!” Wilson
P.S. If my wife forgot to put you on back in the day or if I broke your heart—tough cookies.
Grow the fuck up!