What To Expect From ‘Yeezus II’

kanye_yeezus

Earlier this week, super-producer Rick Rubin discussed working on Kanye West’s new album Yeezus with The Daily Beast, and mentioned that Kanye had so many songs finished that there could be another installment of Yeezus on the way before year’s end. In anticipation of Yeezus II: The Holy Rise Of The Yeezus, the XXL staff did some extreme research and came across the top-secret expected rollout for the new album. Here’s what we found…

Prior to the release of his 808′s & Heartbreak album, Kanye threw a party in a giant warehouse space filled with nude women. For the release of Yeezus II, Kanye will celebrate by throwing an Eyes Wide Shut-esque party filled with naked men, naked women and naked animals. There will be no rules, but plenty of fornicating while listening to Ye’s new prog-punk album.

As a marketing campaign for the first Yeezus, Kanye projected his face onto buildings across the world while playing his new single “New Slaves.” For Yeezus II, Kanye will project his face onto the moon (he initially planned to project it onto the sun, but that didn’t work out) while blasting his forthcoming single “New Babes.”

If the moon-projection thing doesn’t work out, the video for the album’s second single “On The Third Day There Was Yeezus” will be shown in 12 secret caves around the world. These cave showings will be invite-only.

Before the release of Kanye’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, he made a short film called Runaway, a thirty-minute epic about a relationship with a bird. For Yeezus II, Kanye will make a feature-length buddy comedy starring himself and Kobe Bryant, playing Jesus and Judas. By the end of the film, the friends-turned-enemies decide to just forget their quarrel and go to Paris for some damn croissants.

Kanye famously decided not to release a promotional single or music video before the release of Yeezus, but for Yeezus II Kanye will make music videos for every song on his new album, as well as music videos for other artists he likes, like Gucci Mane and Rick Ross.

Kanye has always been a giver, so for every lucky fan who buys Yeezus II in stores, they’ll get a special edition hand-written King Yeezy Holy Bible. The book will be filled with anecdotes from Yeezy as well as a New-New Testament about how to dress fresher.

In an expert display of minimalism, the cover of Kanye’s first Yeezus was not a cover at all, it was just a plastic jewel case. For Yeezus II, the cover of the album will be the CD itself, and the packaging will be a small (recyclable) white paper bag.

While Yeezus II boasted features from the likes of Charlie Wilson, King L and Kid Cudi, for Yeezus II Kanye will take a more well-rounded approach to who he wants on the album. Current rumored features include: George Bush (they made up), Wayne Brady (he’s just a nice guy), Chance The Rapper (Chicago stand up!), Andy Milonakis (handling skit duties) and Coolio.

Kanye has now been through two release date face-offs (with 50 Cent in 2007 and J. Cole in 2013) and has won them both. For his new album, Kanye will patiently wait to announce its release date until UK pop icon Adele announces the release date for her highly-anticipated third LP. As soon as she does, Kanye will tweet, “Same day as Adele,” subtly sparking a brutal retail face-off between the two.

After the release of the album, and after an expected few months of radio silence leading up to it, Kanye will hold his first major concert at the Vatican. The stage will rest atop a foundation of the gold-plated skulls of long-deceased male models, and the microphone he sings into will be made of rare ivory sourced from wild boars.

  • Slick Joe

    is any of this shit real? lmao

  • John7532

    Trolling at its finest lmfaaaooo.

    • dogbert

      This is the finest trolling you’ve seen? You must be new to the internet..

  • JAY-Z

    ay this shit gonna go hard like the first one tho… still this a fuckin hilarious article. boys, make sure u pick up ur copy of Magna Carta Holy Grail on July 4th and download the fuckin app on samsung shit.

  • LuiKang

    if this is so, ADELE will eat Ye up…

  • dogbert

    Was this suppose to be funny? I didn’t know XXL had 12 year olds writing their articles.
    Not even a butthurt Kanye fan, this just wasn’t funny.

  • Danté Richmond

    Nice try at funny. Leave this stuff to The Onion

  • Ellis Watson

    Should have called it Yeenius tbh.

  • i hate yall

    xxl shut yo cunts