It’s not often that men and women alike can tell a rapper “don’t quit your day job” and genuinely mean it. But when it comes to porn stars and their short-lived attempts at rap stardom, that’s surely the case. Who hasn’t, at one time or another, watched a porno?

Crickets... Tumbleweeds...

We wouldn’t blame you for claiming ignorance when it comes to Brian Pumper, however. Hell, the XXL office is full of folks wishing they could un-hear him rap. First came (no pun intended) the adult movie vet’s “Oh, and It’s Shaved” video earlier this month, co-starring actor Laurence Fishburne’s barely-clothed daughter Montana, followed by the completely random and unlistenable Jay-Z diss “She Ain’t Satisfied” (“she” referring, of course, to Beyoncé).

The reviews surfaced in hilarious ways, from some of Pumper’s own friends making fun of his jewelry to his face (“50 Cent don’t care about you, or your pinky ring”) in online clips, to Jamie Foxx calling him “the worst rapper ever” on his Sirius radio show The Foxxhole. We’ve heard worse, actually, but still. We’ll let Jamie have that one.

If the thought of a porn star trying to spit (sorry, sorry… euphemism overload) seems strange, realize that Pumper’s misguided shot at hip-hop success isn’t the first instance of a porn-to-rap reach. Let’s revisit five of his XXX-rated predecessors.

loading...

HEATHER HUNTER

Consider her porn-rap’s by-default champ. However, the now-retired "actress" from hip-hop’s credited birthplace, the Bronx, wasn’t bestowed with chops equal to her borough’s hardest female MC, Remy Ma. That didn’t stop Hunter from releasing Double-H: The Unexpected back in 2005, nor did it prevent the AVN Hall-of-Famer (think baseball’s Cooperstown but for pitchers and catchers of a more sordid kind) from collecting beats by DJ Premier and Scott Storch. Her on-the-microphone resume also includes tracks with Above the Law, Kool Keith, Esham and N.O.R.E. Not half bad for a gal who’s starred in such revisionist classics as Screw the Right Thing and Coming on America.

Heather Hunter "So Serious"

loading...

JAKE STEED

Your boy Steed can say something that many A-list rappers can’t—he’s appeared on a Dr. Dre album. On the Aftermath head’s 2001 (released in 1999), Steed checked in for the appropriately titled “Pause for Porno (Skit).” Two years later, Steed tried his hand at a full-on album, Jake’s Latest and Greatest, distributed to deaf ears by Select-O-Hits. With song titles like “I Ain’t Yo Captain Save-A-Hoe!,” “Think About These Nutz!," and “Abracadabra, Bitch Disappear!” (to paraphrase Hov, “Just because you love exclamation points doesn’t mean that you’re nice.”) it’s hard to understand why. His biggest claim to fame that’s hip-hop related—in title, anyway—is the long-running DVD series Freaks, Hoes & Flows. Why no exclamation points?

Jake Steed feat. Kokane "I'm Too Swift"

loading...

MIDORI

Hailing from Durham, North Carolina, old school porn staple Midori was unfortunately a bit too early to the Southern rap party. In 2001, she put out (another damn pun!) a rap record called Miss Judged. That wasn’t her first taste of the music biz; in 1999, Midori, younger sister of Grammy-winner Jody Watley, actually toured with one-time lover Kid Rock, who producer her contribution to 2000’s Deep Porn compilation (“F.M.A.”). Her best rap moment, though, came in 1999, when she appeared on the cover to Eminem and Royce Da 5’9’s great two-sided single Bad Meets Evil (“Nuttin’ to Do” and "Scary Movie”).

loading...

loading...

INDIA

Say hello to the most entrepreneurial hip-hopper on this list. Rather than work for the man when she wasn’t working underneath one (this is too easy), India, she of 196 porn films, formed her own record label, Black Widow Entertainment, and dropped her rap debut, Role Play, independently in 2006. Sure, the music sucked, but you can’t knock her hustle.

India "Get It Girl"


loading...

PINKY

Last May, dyed-hair-sporting Pinky’s name popped up throughout the hip-hop blogosphere for all the wrong reasons, when rumors of her being impregnated by Twista surfaced. These days, she’s chasing down rap supremacy. This past April, Pinky went so far as getting Atlanta’s reputable DJ Scream to host her mixtape, F*ck You! Pay Me! Yes, the same DJ Scream who’s behind Young Jeezy’s new tape, 1000 Grams. Call us when Charli Baltimore emerges from obscurity to diss Pinky and her CB-esque look.

Pinky "Bad Bitch"

id="145"]

More From XXL