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5 Porn Stars That (Almost) Rap Better Than Brian Pumper

It’s not often that men and women alike can tell a rapper “don’t quit your day job” and genuinely mean it. But when it comes to porn stars and their short-lived attempts at rap stardom, that’s surely the case. Who hasn’t, at one time or another, watched a porno?

Crickets… Tumbleweeds…

We wouldn’t blame you for claiming ignorance when it comes to Brian Pumper, however. Hell, the XXL office is full of folks wishing they could un-hear him rap. First came (no pun intended) the adult movie vet’s “Oh, and It’s Shaved” video earlier this month, co-starring actor Laurence Fishburne’s barely-clothed daughter Montana, followed by the completely random and unlistenable Jay-Z diss “She Ain’t Satisfied” (“she” referring, of course, to Beyoncé).

The reviews surfaced in hilarious ways, from some of Pumper’s own friends making fun of his jewelry to his face (“50 Cent don’t care about you, or your pinky ring”) in online clips, to Jamie Foxx calling him “the worst rapper ever” on his Sirius radio show The Foxxhole. We’ve heard worse, actually, but still. We’ll let Jamie have that one.

If the thought of a porn star trying to spit (sorry, sorry… euphemism overload) seems strange, realize that Pumper’s misguided shot at hip-hop success isn’t the first instance of a porn-to-rap reach. Let’s revisit five of his XXX-rated predecessors.

HEATHER HUNTER

Consider her porn-rap’s by-default champ. However, the now-retired “actress” from hip-hop’s credited birthplace, the Bronx, wasn’t bestowed with chops equal to her borough’s hardest female MC, Remy Ma. That didn’t stop Hunter from releasing Double-H: The Unexpected back in 2005, nor did it prevent the AVN Hall-of-Famer (think baseball’s Cooperstown but for pitchers and catchers of a more sordid kind) from collecting beats by DJ Premier and Scott Storch. Her on-the-microphone resume also includes tracks with Above the Law, Kool Keith, Esham and N.O.R.E. Not half bad for a gal who’s starred in such revisionist classics as Screw the Right Thing and Coming on America.

Heather Hunter “So Serious”

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