5 Porn Stars That (Almost) Rap Better Than Brian Pumper

It’s not often that men and women alike can tell a rapper “don’t quit your day job” and genuinely mean it. But when it comes to porn stars and their short-lived attempts at rap stardom, that’s surely the case. Who hasn’t, at one time or another, watched a porno?

Crickets… Tumbleweeds…

We wouldn’t blame you for claiming ignorance when it comes to Brian Pumper, however. Hell, the XXL office is full of folks wishing they could un-hear him rap. First came (no pun intended) the adult movie vet’s “Oh, and It’s Shaved” video earlier this month, co-starring actor Laurence Fishburne’s barely-clothed daughter Montana, followed by the completely random and unlistenable Jay-Z diss “She Ain’t Satisfied” (“she” referring, of course, to Beyoncé).

The reviews surfaced in hilarious ways, from some of Pumper’s own friends making fun of his jewelry to his face (“50 Cent don’t care about you, or your pinky ring”) in online clips, to Jamie Foxx calling him “the worst rapper ever” on his Sirius radio show The Foxxhole. We’ve heard worse, actually, but still. We’ll let Jamie have that one.

If the thought of a porn star trying to spit (sorry, sorry… euphemism overload) seems strange, realize that Pumper’s misguided shot at hip-hop success isn’t the first instance of a porn-to-rap reach. Let’s revisit five of his XXX-rated predecessors.

HEATHER HUNTER

Consider her porn-rap’s by-default champ. However, the now-retired “actress” from hip-hop’s credited birthplace, the Bronx, wasn’t bestowed with chops equal to her borough’s hardest female MC, Remy Ma. That didn’t stop Hunter from releasing Double-H: The Unexpected back in 2005, nor did it prevent the AVN Hall-of-Famer (think baseball’s Cooperstown but for pitchers and catchers of a more sordid kind) from collecting beats by DJ Premier and Scott Storch. Her on-the-microphone resume also includes tracks with Above the Law, Kool Keith, Esham and N.O.R.E. Not half bad for a gal who’s starred in such revisionist classics as Screw the Right Thing and Coming on America.

Heather Hunter “So Serious”

  • G-UNOT KILLA

    I FUCCS W/THE PUMP MAN. HE HELPED ME FUCC PINKEY AND DURING THE TIME SHE FUCCED W/ME WE CALLED HER BLUEY. IN REFERENCE TO THE CRIP CULTURE

    TRUE STORY

    • jesterdxxl

      You is a funny fucker you should come & join me over on HipHopDx the site needs some humor besides my sarcastic & sick comments

  • Jerm

    SMH…these people arent better than Lloyd Banks

    • General

      ^^^^

      Now thats some funny shit

  • Vegeta

    That nigga corny as hell.. *facepalms*

  • bkbully

    pumper deserves 2 be on the worst 5 dead or alive list tru story i felt like dat for atleast 4 years now and ppl just catching on its a shame!

  • Intern09

    LMAO – India’s joint is a spoken porn … this is hilarious!

  • kedordu

    PUMPER IS ACTUALLY BETTER THAN SILK THE SHOCKER AND BIZZARE . HE HAS SOME FLOW .

  • http://twiter.com/SLOTCHMUSIC ms_spittuh

    I don’t even watch that stuff so I really can’t comment on people I don’t know :) but i guess (lol)

  • Face Phoenix

    Everybody is a rapper now. “If you can’t sing and have no talent try rapping.” I think this is the motto for every single piece of crap out there who has not even the foggiest idea about what the art form is about. Why do rappers want to be actors and actors [ALL OF THEM, Mainstream and otherwise] want to rap? All of the above should stay in they lane because many of them aren’t even good at their day job.

  • El Tico Loco

    Funkdoobiest