“Love and Hip-Hop: New York” Recap: How The Consequence Stole Christmas

Before I begin my recap, I have to take a minute to shout out all the people who Tweet me (at @bgiacomazzo) telling me how much they enjoy reading my "Ratchet Review" of this show on XXLMag.com every week. It always amazes me when people recognize my name from my work, and I'm humbled and grateful that you all not only take the time to read it, but you also take the time to Tweet me about how much you enjoy it. It makes sitting through this ridiculous show– and the subsequent loss of more than a few brain cells and higher-thought processes–worth it. Once again, thank you. Keep your feedback coming!

And now, for this week's Ratchet Review...

In my three-some-odd decades on this planet, I have never–and I do mean NEVER–seen a grown woman cry so much over the loss of Christmas as Jen the Pen. Oh, she's not upset about the loss of the actual meaning of Christmas, mind you–and I think she'd implode if she ever realized that the celebration itself has its roots in a Roman pagan holiday known as the Saturnalia; my offer of paying someone for telling her this cold-hard fact does, however, stand. Rather, she feels some kind of way about the loss of the presents and Santa Claus and the ham and trimmings. (Read: She's mad that Consequence won't let her spend his money.) This should have dawned on her as a possible sticking point before she had a baby with him, so if you're looking for sympathy from me, you'd better look elsewhere, because I'm fresh out of my last Give a Damn. But at this point, if giving Hen (typo, and it stays) a chocolate Easter Bunny would shut her up–even for five minutes–I strongly suggest that Consequence consider our sanity and do it. They do make halal-certified chocolate. I'm just saying.

Meanwhile, Telenovela–I mean, Tahiry–must work at every bar in the greater NYC area, because this week, we saw her bartending at Negro Claro, where Joe Budden tracked her down...and begged her for a threesome with his current squeeze, Kaylin Garcia. After reading him more than a few pages of the Riot Act–during which she informed him (and, by extension, us) that it was she who was paying the bills during their relationship (you mean that nice house in Jersey was paid for by you, girlfriend? And you don't have it in your name because...?)–she informed him that he was "black history" before dismissing him with less than a kiss and a smile.

As a sidebar: I know that, of all people, I've been hard on ol'girl. But after re-watching a few episodes, seeing her and Joe interact in person, and having a few chats with her, I have to say this much: While I don't necessarily agree with her actions, I do understand–and, to a great degree, empathize with–what she's feeling about the situation. You don't date someone for seven years, provide them with emotional and financial support, and put up with their raging addiction(s) without forming some emotional bond with them. Whether revisiting said bond on a reality show is beneficial for her psychological health, of course, is another story altogether, but as someone who's dealt with more than her fair share of drama/trauma from a now-ex, I can understand what Tahiry's going through. And if the cameras were turned on me and my now-ex, the name of the show would be Cops, so in many ways, Tahiry's a bigger woman than me for not beating the crap out of Joe every time he gets in her face (a nice guy–and, quirks notwithstanding, he is a nice guy–may not necessarily make a good boyfriend).

In a different nest of Angry Birds, we saw Richard Dollaz fighting with Erica Mena over money. Apparently, Erica booked a show for herself in New Jersey, and Richard's mad because he didn't receive his industry-standard 20 percent commission. Richard, of course, is delusional if he thinks Erica got paid in anything other than bottles of Bartenatura Moscato and Decordon "designer" (Read: Fresh off the stripper pole) clothes, but if he wants 20 percent of that, far be it from me to deny the man a good time (Peter Gunz may have something to say about it, though. Poor guy–he went from working with Lord Tariq to this. Shake. My. Head.). The previews for next week show Olivia recording the song that Erica made (cough) famous, so you know there's going to be throat-kicking threats galore coming up.

Finally, we head over to the snake pit that is Winter, Lore'l, and Rashidiah. After extracting a promise from Winter that the part about her would be removed from the book, Lore'l was being considered for a profile for Black Enterprise Magazine (never mind that she's neither black nor enterprising...) by none other than her new "manager" Yandy. It's interesting how Winter was whining about "loyalty" throughout her segments when she turned on her own friend in the name of book sales. Knowing what the sting of betrayal feels like, I can only say that Karma's a bitch, Winter, and in your case, she's also got PMS. You deserve every ounce of grief you're getting as a result of the book–not because of your "conquests" (because how you exercise your private parts is entirely your business), but because your own friends aren't safe from your disloyalty. No wonder no one in the industry dealt with you prior to this.

Rashidiah, meanwhile, is working hard for that Shoe Dazzle career now that she's been found "not guilty" of the assault charges against her. Of course, that "not guilty" conviction didn't mean that she was a fine upstanding citizen–seems she owes Mandeecees some money from a real estate deal gone bad (Rashidiah claims she kept the money for her "pain and suffering" when Mandeecees began bad-mouthing her) and had the nerve–the nerve! –to call him a "clown." Now, let's review: The lady with the Ronald McDonald-chic hair (and no, honey, I don't believe that it costs $1,000 per bundle–there's a stable near my house on Long Island where you can get that very same hair for nearly 90 percent less) called someone else a clown. I swear to God, the jokes write themselves.

Until next time, cats & kittens...–Bernadette Giacomazzo (@bgiacomazzo)