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These southern rappers can’t stay out of prison!

It’s uncanny. It seems like every time one of these idiotic southern rappers (my bad) gets out of the pokey, another one goes back in – and that’s not even counting the ones who’ve been in there the entire time. Like this guy Lil Boosie, who, from what I understand, sounds like a vicious serial killer, despite how childlike he seems, probably due to lack of a proper education. (Or is that a thing with serial killers?) Is that one guy from the Hot Boys that no one ever gave a shit about still locked up? It could be that he’s in one of those situations where he could be out by now, if he could get someone to come pick him up, like in the Andy Garcia movie City Island, but no one has, because, like I said, who gives a shit?

Lil Wayne is set to touch ground (or whatever the prison terminology is for escaping the belly of the beast) this Thursday, i.e. tomorrow (what the fuck have I been doing this week? definitely not voting). I read on MTV or somewhere yesterday that the plan is for him to start recording on the plane home to Georgia or Florida or wherever, lest he stick around in NY too long and end up getting tossed back in the clink for another year for having weed in his shoe or some shit. You know they don’t play that shit out in New York. They’ve got quotas to meet, regardless of whether or not it’s technically illegal.

If Lil Wayne had managed to get out two days earlier, he could have recorded a song with T.I. That shit would have been the biggest song of all time: arguably the two biggest rappers out right now, certainly the two most popular southern rappers, one of them freshly sprung from prison (always a plus in the black community), the other one on his way back in after having only been out for less than a year. They could have called that shit the Best of Both Correctional Facilities. And with the level of thought these southern rappers put into their rhymes (again, my apologies), they probably could have cranked out an entire album’s worth of songs in just a couple of days. Songs about dudes trying to test them in the shower, songs about working out in the yard, songs about your girlfriend trying to smuggle you in E pills in her vagine. That would have been a fascinating album, if only from a sociological perspective.

Alas, T.I. was sent back, to the same prison he was in earlier this year, yesterday, or the day before. I’m not sure. I’m at that point in my life where the days start to run together. I’ve got a five year plan, and it’s to try to not focus on how bad my life is for the next five years. It involves a lot of alcohol. At least I’m free to go wherever I want whenever I want, provided it’s not too expensive, and I don’t have to bust a shift at the BGM. Now, if only I could find a woman to make sweet, passionate love to me. T.I. on the other hand? I heard this time they aren’t even letting Tiny visit him in prison. She might actually try to smuggle in some E pills in her vagine, if not for T.I., “for her own personal amusement.” And she’s got her own legal problems to worry about anyway. I think we all know those were her drugs in that Maybach. If Tiny ends up going to jail, and T.I. is already in jail, who’s gonna take care of those kids? Young Dro? Is he gonna buy them a shedload of Polo shirts? Where’s he gonna get the money?

I was kinda disappointed to see yesterday that Gucci Mane got arrested, right as T.I. was going back in and right before Lil Wayne was set to get out, not because I’m looking forward to any songs by Lil Wayne featuring Gucci Mane, or vice versa, or because I give a shit where Gucci Mane is, but because it fucks up the rotation. Gucci Mane was supposed to wait until another prominent southern rapper got out of prison to go back in, thus maintaining the stereotype. Gucci Mane going back in the same time as T.I. is no good. What if they end up getting out the same time? Then who’s gonna go back in? That’s too much of a burden for Lil Wayne, who couldn’t even manage to release a reasonably successful followup to Tha Carter III. (I could have released a reasonably successful followup to Tha Carter III, and I don’t even rap.) But something tells me I shouldn’t be too concerned. The way things are going these days, smart money’s on at least one prominent southern rapper being locked up at all times.

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