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T.I. didn’t really save anybody

What if the incident yesterday in which T.I. supposedly talked a jumper down from the ledge, like in that Third Eye Blind song, was all part of an elaborate scheme by T.I. himself and the Feds to help him avoid jail time?

Here, let me explain.

As revealed in a post over at Vlad TV, the incident was almost certainly a publicity stunt, because it took place the day before T.I. is set to appear before a judge to be sentenced for violating the terms of his probation, in the incident I discussed here yesterday, when he got caught driving himself around in a Maybach, with a pocket full of drugs black people, people with money, and people with sense in general don’t usually fux wit, as they say on Black People Twitter.

If it would have been, say, two weeks ago, that would have been one thing. But yesterday? That’s just too convenient. And as we learned in the movie JFK and also the Big Lebowski (the ’90s >), you… uggh, look for the one who stands to benefit.

If you’re T.I., and you’re looking at the prospect of spending several more months in jail (even though this is literally your gozillionth offense), when you just got out of jail for like a year, and your career is in the state that it’s in, as discussed here yesterday, you kinda have to cite the fact that you prevented a guy from killing himself, in court today, right? Even if it was someone dumb enough that they were going to kill themselves, but they opted not to, for the chance to meet motherfucking T.I., and hence someone who probably should have gone through with it. It’s not like we almost lost a cure for cancer.

This is one of those situations where you try anything anway. And I’m sure T.I. would try just about anything, if he had the sheer balls to suggest to the court that his sentencing in that gun case should be reduced in exchange for him going around to elementary schools and explaining to kids how they could grow up to be just like him. He never got to go to very many schools, once parents caught wind of this BS. But I guess that show he did on MTV also counted towards him getting off easy. Bonus! If only he could do one of those shows every time he has to go to jail. It’s a good that guy was about to kill himself.

But what would T.I. have done if that guy didn’t almost kill himself?

That’s a trick question. There couldn’t have been a scenario in which T.I. didn’t conveniently save a guy’s life the day before his sentencing, because it was planned all along. They may have even come up with it way back when T.I. first got out, before this most recent arrest, because they figured T.I.’s judgment is so weak, and his wife is on so many drugs that it was only a matter of time before he got caught riding dirty. They knew they were going to have to come up with an excuse for how T.I. managed to avoid serving a significant amount of time yet again, but they already exhausted everything that was even remotely reasonable a couple of years ago. This would require a miracle – er, somethat that seemed like a miracle.

The evidence lies in that fact that, as revealed in that post over on Vlad TV, which really has become a bastion of hip-hop journalism, not only did this incident conveniently take place the day before T.I. was set to be sentenced, it took place on the roof of a hip-hop radio station, on a day when T.I. just so happened to be nearby with a full staff of PR people. DJ Vlad says you can’t even get inside this station, let alone onto the roof, unless someone calls down to give you access. You know how these hip-hop stations have to have very strict security, what with these dumbass rappers shooting each other in the lobby, and trying to intimidate people into buying their shitty homemade CDs.

And the reason I suspect the Feds were involved is because I just saw a video of T.I. commenting on the incident (presumably taped afterwards), and there were all sorts of stormtroopers in the background. That little stunt probably cost the state or whoever a lot of money. There’s gonna have to be a thorough investigation. And at some point during this investigation, they’re gonna have to answer questions like, how did this guy (who’s obviously not that smart) get out on the ledge in the first place, and how in the fuck did motherfucking T.I. manage to get involved? What kind of police station lets a rapper assist with a potential suicide?

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