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The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand

“I am totally obsessive about ’80s shorts. You know the kind that makes your butt look kinda big.”
Madonna’s 13 year-old daughter Lourdes

The worst thing that could happen to America is for white men to develop an appreciation for women with huge asses.

Allow me to explain.

I’m sure most of us have had the awful experience of being in public and seeing a couple consisting of a male wigger and a female wigger. (My bad if there’s gender-specific terms for wiggers, and I just don’t know about it.) In other words, two wiggers who decided to be wiggers together, rather than pairing off with black people. There might even be a little wigger baby, similar to these juggalo couples who procreate, then take pictures of themselves doing shit they probably shouldn’t be doing with a baby in the room, except I guess to familiarize it with the juggalo lifestyle – a little Faygo root beer mixed in with the Similac and what have you. I hate that shit.

It used to be that one of the few perks of being black, other than the myth about a black man’s Johnson, which is very true, at least in my own personal experience (nullus), was that if a white chick’s ass was too big, only black guys would like her, and eventually she’d begin to talk like a black person, which is to say that her facility with the English language would somehow deteriorate (has Chomsky looked into this?), and the next thing you know there she is in a Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon with her tiny village of half-black children, all of whom clearly come from separate fathers, loading up the cart with those Little Debbie snack cakes and other shit I’ve never seen anyone actually eat, except when I used to work at K-Mart.

Even if she was one of these women who made it to middle age (i.e. 29) before pushing maximum density (c) John Bender, she’d be one of these women you see walking around with a sweater wrapped around her waist in the dog days of summer, clearly concerned with the kind of guy her mud flaps might attract, not wanting to fall victim to the kind of crime Mel Gibson apparently fantasizes about. Which obviously would have been her fault.

It was fucking sweet: on the one hand, black guys had the second best kind of white women (behind conventionally attractive white women) to ourselves, and on the other hand, white women with particularly fucked up asses covered themselves up as if they were married to Arabs. White men didn’t give a shit, because white men used to have standards.

Alas, those days might be over, if a trend piece the other day in the New York Daily News is to be believed.

The three examples that make it an according to Hoyle trend, per the rule at the New York Times (which has since been adopted by all New York newspapers) are Serena Williams, who recently explained in an interview that she could give a rat’s ass that she looks like the modern day equivalent of the Hottentot Venus; Kim Kardashian’s, who’s built a small cottage industry based on going outside wearing tights (and god bless her for it); and Madonna’s 13 year-old daughter, who apparently has a blog I might need to check out. For style tips, natch.

And I quote:

Make way! Big bums are shaping up to be the summer of 2010’s hottest trend.
Not since Sir Mix-a-Lot’s 1992 hit “Baby Got Back” has so much praise been paid to the posterior.
Lucky for [Kim] Kardashian, bubble butts are here to stay. Gone are the days of being ashamed of a wider bottom, with America becoming more diverse amid shifting standards, according to Stylesight trend analyst Sharon Graubard.

“I think it’s about the diversity of our population and more accepted beauty, and a wider range of accepted beauty,” Graubard explains.

See, there are downsides to diversity.

No but really. I guess the one good thing about this is that it’ll lead to white chicks, who are packing on the pounds anyway, especially here in the Midwest, being more accepting of their failure to keep their bodies in decent shape, as if they were black chicks. Lollerskates. No more extra-long jackets. Not that I’m looking or anything, but I’m noticing more white chicks with huge asses these days than ever, and I’m sure at least part of it has do with them wearing the kind of shorts Lourdes designs for her clothing line at Macy’s. We might not have them all to ourselves, but what difference does it make, if there’s so many of them?

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