The real reason Bill O’Reilly hates hip-hop

I should have known there was another reason Bill O'Reilly hates hip-hop, besides the fact that he finds it offensive, or disrespectful to women or whatever.

This is, after all, the guy who once had phone sex with a broad about taking a shower with a falafel, and had that huge blow-up on the set of Inside Edition, where he was shouting the f-bomb like it was going out of style. At work, mind you.

I don't have any kids. But if I did, I'd almost rather have them listen to the new Ludacris album than to spend any time around his crazy ass. (Except that I wouldn't want my kids to develop a taste for shitty rap music, but you catch my drift.)

No, obviously there was something else going on. We just didn't know what it was... until now.

As it turns out, the real reason Bill O'Reilly hates hip-hop is because his wife used to date Flavor Flav.

Aww dang...

Granted so far I'm only seeing this reported on Media Take Out and a few other sites that strike me as rather skeevy, but this sounds like one of those rumors that so ridonkulous it might be true. Let's take a look at the facts.

First of all there's the fact that Bill O'Reilly's wife looks incredible to me... except that she's kinda old. She's smoking hot in a MoDo kinda way. (My bad to the 99.9% of you who disagree, or have no idea what I'm talking about.)

And yet, she only got with Bill-O fairly recently. The two of them got married in 1995 and have since had two kids - a girl and a boy. And I couldn't find any record of her having previously been married or having any grown kids or anything like that.

Um, what gives?

For a broad to make it well into middle age before she gets married and has kids, you have to think she either a) was waiting to trap a big fish; b) suffers from some severe personality issues; or c) struggles with substance abuse issues. In this case, I'm thinking it might be all of the above.

On the same site where she's listed as having once belonged to Flavor Flav, it's also noted that she used to date Ted Kennedy of all people. Which, if I'm Bill O'Reilly, should have been the first clue that his wife might have some issues, even if he didn't find out Flavor Flav hit that until after they got hitched.

Certainly, Bill O'Reilly had to know she was once with Ted Kennedy. I mean, the guy's been in the Senate since around the time my parents were born. And the guy's a Kennedy, fer chrissakes. One of the main, more important ones, even. The Kennedys have a building at Harvard. Bill O'Reilly has a degree from... you guessed it, Harvard.

He probably could have looked that up.

I'm assuming he did, and he decided to go through with marrying her anyway. Which was a bad move, obviously. If the situation with Mos Def and Alana Wyatt has taught us anything, it's that, if you're famous, and the woman you're getting with was with another famous dude before you, it's probably not a coincidence. And it's almost certainly not gonna end well.

I'm assuming her relationship with Ted Kennedy was back in the '80s. I know his first marriage ended back then, and he's been with the women he's with now for a minute. (I read this shit a few months ago back when it was thought he might die.) So that gap between the two of them had to have been a while ago.

So Bill-O's wife's relationship with Flavor Flav could taken place at any point between like, the mid '80s and 1995, when she married Bill-O. But I'm assuming it was in the early '90s, after Flav had found fame and a certain degree of fortune from being in Public Enemy. Rather than, say, the days pre-Public Enemy, when he was just some crackhead wandering around the black part of Long Island.

Speaking of crack, those of us old enough to remember the early '90s know what Flav was up to back in those days. I mean, who knows when he first lit up, or if he ever completely quit? (Something tells me he didn't.) But your boy Flav was having some pretty nasty issues with the pipe back in the early '90s. He was going through the same shit back then DMX is going through today - getting arrested seemingly every few weeks, in a series of bizarre incidents.

Could it be that, in the time between when she was with Ted Kennedy and when she was with Bill O'Reilly, she got addicted to crack and became one of Flavor Flav's crack hoes? I wouldn't be surprised if she did. Think about it: She's not that bad-looking, even as an old-ass woman. And yet, she couldn't find anyone important to be with for like 10 years. But in that same time period, she was with Flavor Flav, right around the height of his crack addiction.

It sounds pretty obvious to me.

My guess is that Flavor Flav got locked up or something, she had what crackheads refer to as a moment of clarity, and she cleaned herself up and got with Bill O'Reilly. But she didn't tell him she used to be with Flav. Because she figured, probably rightly so, that if he found out, he might drop her like a bad habit in favor of one of his secretaries from Inside Edition. But he probably ended up finding out anyway. Because you know how it is... once a crackhead, always a crackhead.

Now Bill-O is pissed that he's got two babies by a broad who used to smoke crack with Flava Flav. (It makes you wonder how often this happens.) And racist bastard that he is, of course he views the fact that Flavor Flav is (sort of) a rapper as the cause of his ruined marriage. I bet he can't even bring himself to touch his wife, knowing where she's been. Hence him always trying to get girls to have phone sex with him. At his age, he probably can't get it up without a girl at least talking to him. I'm gonna lie, I'm starting to relate.