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Keeping it real, son

Because this is kinda lengthy, I’ll spare you the formalities and get right down to brass tacks. I reviewed the CD that came with this on my own site today.

CTE feat. Young Jeezy. A street video for Jeezy and CTE’s “Lil’ Buddy,” except, mercifully, the weed carrier verses are cut short so Jeezy can give a few shout outs to his homies in the clink. Not to mention Slick Pulla, who’s on the song, but couldn’t make it to the shoot because he’s on house arrest.

Shea Davis. First there’s a skit, of sorts, where Shea Davis runs up in someone’s project apartment, hog ties a buncha people, and then shoots someone. Then we’re treated to street video for his song “Neighborhood Hood Nigga.” Amazingly, the song itself manages to be a bit more ignorant than its title.

Stack Bundles. Sweet, there’s a guy in a wheel chair! I notice some of the kids in this street video look a bit young to be very intimidated. I mean, unless there’s like 20 of them at once. Also, Stack Bundles has a girl’s hair cut. Color me unimpressed.

E-40. Here’s E-40 standing on a street somewhere in California with some mean-looking cholos and some elderly-looking black dudes. Some cats roll up ghost-riding an old rapist van like my old man used to drive, nullus. Not to be a spoil sport, but that doesn’t seem like a very smart thing to do.

Red Cafe. Has anyone ever noticed that Red Cafe kinda looks like Cappadonna? I wonder if he drives a cab. I can’t get over how good the chorus of this song is. Peep: “I’m the owner of the strip club / and I’m the co-owner of the strip club.”

Mannie Fresh. The erstwhile Cash Money producer reveals that he can put a beat together in “30 minutes to an hour.” And here I thought it was taking him days and weeks! Also, he left Cash Money because they weren’t very good about paying people. Because it’s a black-owned company.

DMX. Ah, the moment I was waiting for. The street video for X’s “Gonna Get Mine” is pretty dang intense, but the part right after it is the real gold here. Perhaps you’ve seen it on YouTube. X, who’s got a lot more problems than the blunt he’s puffing at the time, rambles at length about why he left Def Jam and how Ja Rule should thank him for saving his life in Chicago.

Chamillionaire. Here’s Chamillionaire at his car customization shop showing off a car from his “Turn It Up” video that he just sold to Pimp C, and describing how him and Paul Wall came to be unsanitary pseudo-dentists.

Maino. If possible, Maino should consider growing a mustache. His face doesn’t look quite right.

Mddl Fngz feat. Bun B. Oh good, it’s my favorite rapper. And what’s this? He admits he likes to get “high on that water.” See, this time he said it. Not me. Also, this footage was shot the day before his hetero life partner Pimp C, the Frank Gehry of rapping shermheads, got out the clink.

Sandman. Not-so interesting fact: Bad Company’s self-titled debut album, released in 1974 was the best-selling rock debut until the first Boston album came out in 1976. Later this summer will mark the 30th anniversary of that album’s release. It’s sold something like 20 million copies to date.

Bleu Davinci. I don’t care if he is down with Jacob the Jeweler’s coke-dealing crew, BMF. Bleu Davinci strikes me as being somewhat fruity.

B.G. Not to incriminate anyone, but B.G. looks like he might still be on heroin. He’s got that lean. I once knew a girl with huge tits that had a heroin problem. I probably could’ve touched them for like $20, but I didn’t have the self-confidence in those days that I do now. Sadly, I’m sure that’ll be the last thing I think about before I die.

Funkmaster Flex. The most corrupt man in hip-hop, who appears to be standing in an elevator or some such, describes how you can get your garbage played on his show. You see, you don’t pay him. That’s illegal. You pay someone else, and then they pay him. Jeez!

Inc. Gang. Ja Rule’s old weed carriers appear to be puffing a blunt in this clip. I hope that was rolled from their own stash. Young Merse kinda looks like Lil’ Cease in the face. I wonder if they’re distantly related and somehow managed to end up in the same line of work. Maybe they descend from a long line of bag handlers going all the way back to Africa.

Paul Wall. Is Paul Wall beginning to remind anyone else of Comeback Tour-era Elvis? Next thing you know, he’ll be eating bizarre sandwiches and giving out brand new Cadillacs to random women in the audience.

Lord Tariq. You can tell by Lord Tariq’s outfits in this street video that this isn’t exactly a high point in his career. Is that an 8-ball jacket? And his t-shirt is one of those dumbass $8, “If you see police, Warn-a Brother” joints.

Juvenile feat. PNC. For being barely out of his twenties, Juvenile is one scary-looking bitch. The more that I think about it, the more I wouldn’t trade growing up in relative affluence for being a famous rapper. Fuck a $200,000 car. I’ll settle for like $20,000. That was once a lot of money!

Bonus Video. So this is what it’s come to, huh Redman? You’re better than this.

Battle. Serius Jones and Murda Mook? ‘the fuck is this: the Belmont Stakes? Seriously, if there’s one thing that can be learned from this DVD, it’s that there may be more of a correlation between rhyme skills and nickname selection wisdom than you’d think. Marinate on that for the weekend.

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