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Who really killed Philant Johnson?

Due to the quasi-legal nature of the profession not very many studies have been done, but carrying around a rapper’s weed (er, “cellphone”) has to be one of the most dangerous professions, right up there with roofing and delivering pizzas (which involves a lot of driving). This year alone has seen the deaths of Eminem’s right-hand doobie roller Proof, Busta Rhymes’ jewelry polisher Israel Ramirez (nullus?) and, just last week, T.I.’s BFF Philant Johnson. Clearly something has to give.

Granted, carrying around some rapper’s bag, which just might happen to have a little weed in it (don’t play dumb), beats breaking into people’s houses or whatever these fine, upstanding citizens (somebody’s father, gotdamnit!) would be doing otherwise. But if they’re going to continue to get shot the way they have been, they might actually be better off back in the proverbial ghetto. Word to Charlie Hodge, the man who brings me my scarves and water. For the sake of all of our VCRs, which aren’t bolted down (unless you live in a school), something should probably be done here.

The first step is to figure out who’s been doing all of this damn shooting. We know it was Tony Yayo who shot Busta’s weed carrier[1], but what about these other two? If criminals get the idea that you can get away with killing a man’s weed carrier (perhaps because they have no real talent and therefore can easily be replaced), then it’s just going to be open season on bag handlers. It’s no wonder we’ve already lost 3 prominent weed carriers at this point in the year, not to mention numerous relative unknowns like “Big Hawk.” At the rate we’re going, that’s like 14 dead weed carriers in one year.

Of course the problem is that the rappers themselves can’t just go and tell the police who did the shooting. You see, not unlike the real Fight Club, hip-hop has rules, and one of those rules is that you don’t snitch on someone unless they’re either a) a woman, or b) a business that employs illegal aliens. Also, to do so might involve divulging the contents of The Bag, which is an obvious no-no. It’s likely that T.I. and any number of other people know who it was that popped a cap in Philant Johnson’s ass, but aren’t going to tell because that would be snitching.

Perhaps T.I. should consider who’s going to carry around all of this pot if people keep getting killed like this, not to mention that this is no way to treat your BFF. This isn’t middle school, this is real life got damnit.

[1] For legal purposes, I should note that it would take me longer than I’m willing to spend to prove this.

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