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Dear Lord: Please Take The Wackness Out Of Rappin’

100.jpgThey say the Lord closes windows to open doors
Nigga, don’t make me open yours
Seen hearts beat through open sores
Subliminal rap shit, so immature
That’s why I ignore
Punchline niggas on front time
Silly ho shit
He who questions I is unfocused
Copperfield flow—yes!
I’ll make careers disappear like hocus-pocus
No joke, it’s Push


As I noted the last time I magnanimously bequeathed you undeserving manifestations of ignorance with my stupefying brilliance, Mike “Fort Minor” Shinoda has a song out that is a “hit” with the kinds of guys that got into rap when 2Pac got shot(a). Despite the harrowing “ethering” I received from the keyboard of one of Shinoda’s Stans(b), I must persist with my assertion that Shinoda is, as Del Tha Funkee Homosapien would say, a wack MC.

Now, I could simply base this on my superior knowledge of hip-hop and all around good taste, but that would be too easy. I could also follow this argument through to its logical end, but that wouldn’t confuse enough of you, so why bother?

So, before I switch lanes, I’d like to note that I was told that Shinoda’s verse on “Bloc Party” (from his rightfully ignored mixtape) is supposedly better than anything that has ever been done by 50 Cent, Young Jeezy or “insert slinger-songwriter here.”

Maybe dude thought that Apathy’s verse (which includes a couplet that ends with “fuck[ing] Meadow Soprano”) was Shinoda’s. Or maybe he just has bad taste(c).

I mean, I cuffs with Linkin Park, gotdammint. But without Chester’s emo histrionics, Shinoda’s just a sub-par hypeman with nothing to hype. And that “Bloc Party” verse can’t cuff with 50’s verse on Mobb Deep’s “Creep” or Jeezy’s verse on that Christina Milian joint(d).

Cuff me if I feel that aesthetics—style, flow and the ability to grab a listener’s attention—still count for something (but not everything). Putting words together is an art form, losers. It defies formal analysis(e).

See—keep this a secret, right by the nuts—2Pac can’t be considered a great “lyricist.” Not if you’re going to be honest, no. Neither can Trick Daddy or B.G. But I’d rather listen to them than about a hundred “underrated” “A level” lyricists you can think of. Pac did not possess—to slang-jack the big homey, Will “Cuff SOHH” Dukes—the “spry feng shui with words” that B.I.G. exhibited. But then there’s nothing in Big’s catalogue that I could put on a Mother’s Day CD for my momma. And Black Thought could never get me amped like Trick Daddy does on “Let’s Go.” Nor has Lupe Fiasco (as of yet) produced anything as viscerally pleasurable as the intro to B.G.’s latest album.

Do I acknowledge Big, Thought and Lupe as better wordcrafters than Pac, Trick and B.G.? Of course. Better MC’s? Eh. Depends on the day of the week.

Maybe it’s just my personal bent. Or maybe being a better lyricist is only a small part of the equation. There are guys who think that the leaked version of Lupe’s Food & Liquor is the best thing to come out this year(f). There are Stans who think that Papoose is the second coming(g). But then there are also dudes who don’t realize that the Clipse raise the bar every time they spit a verse.

And I’d be gotdamned if “Where’d You Go” isn’t a Barney-awful song with a halfway decent hook. I’ll take the Mitchell Brothers’ “Alone With The TV” all day, everyday.

What is my point? I have none. And many. Take your pick.

Hate up or weight up, losers. You’ll never take me off my square(h).

Question: Whether you hate to read us or read to hate us, you’re still reading us. Why do you think that is?

No need to answer. Just take it for checking.

P.S. — I slang-jacked “slinger-songwriter” from a dude at Blender. (I see you, Young Butterknife.)

(a) The first time.

(b) My soul still burns slow.

(c) Most likely.

(d) Ask Liva: Only few speak The Language and the rest is Comic View.

(e) I believe the children now refer to this unquantifiable quality as “swagger.”

(f) They’re wrong.

(g) Of Barney.

(h) Still, the fact that you seem to think you can makes me chuckle so.

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