Judgement Day

Trick or treat, niggas. Last Halloween was a historic day for hip-hop. No, we didn’t get the release of the long-awaited second album from Clipse (some magazine said it’s a classic, you bastards). Instead we got a grab bag of diverse rhyme slayers with many styles, many styles. Britney’s ex went head up with Chuck D’s hypeman, but they weren’t the only ones duking it out in the ten or twelve record stores (The Tower of power is no more, kids) that still exist.

Yes, it’s Wed., so the results of last week’s releases are in. Allow me to give you the results as YN Presents His First Annual Coaster Countdown. (Naysayers take note: I never actually sat and listened to any of this crap below. Life is precious and time won’t give me time. Word to the Boy called George.)

10: Ron Artest My World
SoundScan: 1
One? How’d you only sell one CD especially when millions of people seen you beatdown some crackers at a basketball game. Maybe people we’re too shook to cop the QB’s soldier’s debut. Hell, who even knew it was out? Anyway, Ron’s my dude and I think you SoundScan suckers are scamming us. Election day was yesterday but my nigga still deserves a recount.
UPDATE: Ron Ron sold 343. SoundScam had two seperate listings. Their bad. The homie moves up to #7.

9: Channel Live Street Science Rap
SoundScan: 20
KRS’s former castaways are still out there grindin’? Who knew? I used to live in Brooklyn and running into Hakim on the street is any music industry fuck’s rite of passage. I thought homeboy was doin’ videos with Benny Boom. Again, 20 units? That’s disrespectful. Keep ya head up fellas, according to this spot, your shit is sold out. Ha!

8: Celly Cel Brings the Gumbo Pot
SoundScan: 100
This Bay Area rap vet is wearing a lot of red on his cover and I don’t want no problems. Moving on…

7: Lil Romeo Greatest Hits
SoundScan: 161
Can you believe this little tyke has 4 LPs under his belt (Take that, Mr. Budden). Might make a nice stocking stuffer for the shorties this holiday season.

6: Juggaknots Use Your Confusion
SoundScan: 535
This is some underground shit, so who knows how many albums were even pressed? I haven’t thought about these guys since I used to write the underground column I created in The Source.

5: CL Smooth American Me
SoundScan: 693
Life after Pete Rock? Not that good, apparently.

4: Ice-T Gangsta Rap
SoundScan: 744
Even pimpin’ his new lady out Darlene-style couldn’t save the day for the rap Hall-of-Famer.

3: Cee-Lo The Closet Freak: The Best of Cee-Lo Green The Soul Machine
SoundScan: 788
Looks like some greedy label wants a piece of that Dangermouse poontang pie.

2: Flavor Flav Flavor Flav
SoundScan: 2,181
I remember back in the early 90’s when we were actually fiendin’ for a taste of the Flavor on the solo tip. It’s obvious here that Flav has tried to parlay his new TV fame to resurrect his music career and failed miserably. Might be time to holla at VH1 to talk about Season 3, playboy.

1: Kevin Federline Playing With Fire
SoundScan: 6,485
Let me get this straight: dude gets his album out, becomes a wrestler and then decides it’s time to kick his rich white bitch to the curb. Wow, that’s gangsta! All I know is dude’s bars are so elementary, we struggled to find the right one to be crowned Step Your Rap Game Up’s worst of ’06. Congrats, K-Fed!